Write

For fuck's sake.

For the last three days (not including today) I have been thinking of posting this massive post of great emo because frankly, I've felt like shit. It can all really be summed up in; no Christmas spirit -> spending Christmas alone (apart from Evie, obv) again -> feeling like crap (ill again? Check) -> mother doing my head in -> having zero money to buy Evie a decent present, or Steve one at all -> no social life for the last two years = me being a big pile of emo. And I said to myself, if you're going to do an emo post, do it before you get rejected by Oxford otherwise then everyone will think your mood was just sparked by that etc. This is how deep in emo I was, planning the best way to be properly and genuinely emo.

AND THEN! I was denied this brilliant pity-party* I had planned by...a letter from Oxford yesterday saying, basically, 'thanks but no thanks.' And since then - I've fucking been in a great mood and I'm not even kidding. It seems the terrible mood of this week was caused by the waiting and now I know, I can chill and get my festive spirit back (I had been missing it). Obviously it's disappointing from an academic point of view and I'm not ashamed to admit that it would have been nice to have been able to tell people that I went to Oxford - but from the point of view of having a life, I'm really relieved. All I can think is that now I wont have to travel 500 miles a week and see my mother every single week and do massive essays every week and omg, I might actually be able to have a bit of a social life. That feels good to me at the moment.

I don't think the relief will last. I'm pretty sure I'll start to get upset about it at some point - possibly when UCAS confirms the rejection in February or when I actually start at Lancaster or most probably at some random moment when I'm least expecting it. But for now, I'm going to enjoy feeling relaxed again for the first time since October and go Chrimbo shopping tomorrow (mother lent me some money) and wrap some Christmas presents and make mince pies (I HAVE THE WHOLE WEEK OFF WORK YAY!).

But I'm telling you, that emo post would have been good. ;)

* I hatehatehate this phrase with an unholy passion but it's so apt in this case

Oxford is lush.

Interviews went...I dont know. The one with the Principle seemed to go very well. The academic one (the important one) went....argh, I dont know! I misinterpreted the stuff I had to read beforehand but pulled it back, I think. Sometimes it seemed to be fine, sometimes not fine at all. I have no idea whether it was good enough or not, and so, will be steeling myself for failure. Ugh.

Am in rubbish internet cafe. No wireless at college! What's that about?

No no no no no, throat. You are not allowed to get sore a) again, and b) this week. Ugh. If this gets bad I swear I will kill it dead.

I had so much shit to do this evening. Mostly cleaning up because my lettings agent is coming around tomorrow to check I haven't been trashing the place in the three months since I've been here (which I find offensive, given the absolute state of this place when I moved in). Anyway. I have not cleaned. Or started packing for the drive down to my mother's tomorrow. Or sorted out what else I have to do tomorrow...actually, I can do that now.

- Haircut
- Get some new clothes for interview
- Pack my and Evie's stuff up
- ACTUALLY DOING SOME PREP FOR THE INTERVIEW WOULD BE GOOD!
- Fill the car up with petrol
- Do household shit; empty bins/take recycling out/vacuum etc
- Go see Evie's Chrimbo play in the morning (awww!)

So. There is stuff. I really can't be arsed but it has to be done. Will go clean now and hope this scratchy throat gets lost because no.

+ Got offered a place at my second choice Uni, here in Lancaster, so I'll definitely get to study want I want next year, reagardless of whether I get offered a place at Oxford or not.

- Sitting the HAT (History Aptitude Test) for Oxford was a bit of a nightmare - when I first read the paper I saw the question that's based off your own knowledge and immediately blanked, so spent too long on the questions that weren't worth as many marks. Then got to the 'hard' question and realised it was actually really easy when I thought about it but I had to rush it due to lack of time. I didn't get to write enough on it, or the last question, because I'd spent too long on the first bits. So, in a nutshell, I don't think I did very well when I could have done loads better if I'd managed time a bit better.

+ The test is done, I can't change it and at least now I don't have to worry about it. The essay is also done - three hours before it had to be handed in to be marked - so all that shit is out of the way.

- Although the essay was pretty good, I think, I don't know if it counts towards their overall decision on whether I get an interview so...I don't know, I am all up in the air. I'll find out in about two weeks time, I guess. :/

+ I have a new boiler which gives me both heating and hot water. This feels like unimaginable luxury and I am far too hot right now as I'm compensating for having frozen my ass off for the last week.

- Evie is sick again. She had a cough which she gave to me and then I gave back to her. She hardly eats, threw up everywhere this morning, is waking up yelling for milk in the night and whinged literally all day today. Just would not shut up. Not her fault if she feels bad, I know, but Calpol did nothing, sleep did nothing and she wouldn't eat...totally at my wits end. I hope she feels better tomorrow.

+ The last two SPN episodes absolutely kicked ass, especially the Halloween one. Fuck yeah!

- I am unbelievably skint and may have to postpone my trip to see Ex-Housemate Jen again. She postponed the first time, I've postponed...twice? three times? since. And I really want to go but just don't know if it's possible.

- I found out yesterday that my old drum teacher died a year ago. Gutted. Absolutely gutted. He taught me for four years and was the most brilliant bloke. He got Motor Neurone Disease apparently - imagine being a drummer and getting that? Sucks. Really really really frickin' sucks.

+ Doing Milliways stuff again feels fantastic. :)

On balance, the week has felt bad more often than it has felt good. And the week before that, for that matter. On the other hand, the good stuff is pretty awesome and there are no words to describe the feeling of freedom that comes with not having to think about the HAT any more. All in all, hurrah!

In other news, what's the lowdown on the yuletide thing? I looked at it last year, or perhaps the year before, and was tempted but it looks really complicated to sign up for and I'm sure I'd bugger the rules up.

So, when I said I'd decided not to apply for Oxford? That may have been a hasty decision. Exam results this morning? Straight A's and 100% for English. That's 100% in every single module. And History worked out at about 98%, which I can live with. So, my History teacher is telling me to go for it again and I think I just might have to.

In other news, still don't have the keys to my new house. This is actually good as the later I sign the tenancy agreement, the later the rent will be due next month. I'm just itching to get in there and start decorating. Also, it now looks like I'll have to start working on my personal statement for Uni and get it done in the next two weeks. So, allgood.

How's everyone else doin'?

Ha. So. I sometimes wish I weren't so...what's the word...optimistic? No, that's not it. Maybe 'hopeful' is better. Because its been in the back of my mind for a while that all Universities have to be equal opportunity these days. Even ones like...say, Oxford, for example. And damnit! They bloody are.

I've been telling myself since last June that my desire to go to Oxford is now impossible because you have to live on campus the first year and I can't do that with a kid. So I was going to go to Lancaster and have done with it - it's a top 20 Uni, I can see it from my flat so is obviously very convenient and most importantly, Evie will always be near her dad. So why oh why did I check the Oxford website today to see whether its possible to go there with a young child. Because I can. And now I'm going to have to bloody apply.

'Why?' you may ask me. 'If Lancaster is a good Uni and its convenient for the baby's dad and its right there, why bother going to some elitist place that is two hundred miles away and blahblahblahetc etc.' And I would answer with - it is routinely the #1 University in the country. It's world renowned. There is more prestige involved with being an Oxford graduate, even if there shouldn't be. But most importantly, because I want to know if I can.

Bah. Only thing to do is apply next October and sit the History aptitude test and sweat over the impossible personal statement and submit the essays and go through the interview process and see what happens. If I fail, at least I tried and Lancaster is a good back up. If I get in...huh. Well, I guess I'll deal with that if it happens. I keep reminding myself that Steve only sees Evie once a week anyway and I could totally bring her up to see him on weekends if I'm there. It's not impossible, if a little inconvenient. Who knows what might happen over the next eighteen months anyway? Got to try though, no two ways about it.

And for added 19, I grabbed the nearest book to me to get a random quote to use as a title for this entry and look what it says. 0_o.

In other academic-related news - I got a call from my college today. Apparantly my history teacher was expecting me back in class this week. This made me laugh because I thought I was supposed to be back in history classes in November. No matter though, they know now I'm coming back in just over a week (OMG CAN'T WAIT SQUEE!!1!) and Lyn (history teacher) is desperate to get me back. I must have been the only student to get A's last year, heh. But it's nice to know that she bothered to check up on me and wants me in her class enough to get someone to call and say that she hoped I was OK and asking how the baby was, etc. Bless her!

In non-academic news - Evie has learned to laugh! And I swear, its the cutest thing ever. She has also become aware that she has hands and they're fascinating to her - so now she's trying to reach for the dangling toys when she's in her chair and seems adorably confused when she manages to touch one and it rattles at her. Hee! :D!

I am the tool to end all tools. No, seriously.

All this time I've been banging on about doing that stupid Hamlet essay so I can send it off to Oxford? I check the paperwork today and find that no, actually, everything had to be in by the tenth.

This goes down as one of my all-time favourite fuck ups, for real. BLAH! So now...I'll wait and see, I guess. Keep going to college (I made it in for a whole lesson today, go me!), see whether all the others accept me. And when I have the grades, I'll...either take one of those places or wait a year and re-apply to Oxford next September.

I am stupid. No, really.

*DANCES AROUND WITH MUCH GLEE OMG*

For it is Wednesday and I have a car and a computer that works. The relief? Is a thing of beauty.

...and man, did the screen grow hugely or has livejournal etc just squashed everything up so that they take up less space on my screen or something? Bizarre.

I was up until 4am this morning, doing a history assignment. As a result, I slept through my alarm and missed my first two classes. *pulls face* And I have a long thing to do on Hamlet's soliloquies by tomorrow morning and its already after midnight and omg, I want to sleep. Um. This whole working in the evening thing is proving to be a royal pain in the ass. I will have to defer the homework.

...of course, this presents a whole new set of problems. If I don't give my teachers some decent written work soon, they can't write a reference for me for Oxford. Applications have to be in in two weeks, at the very outside.

...this is me so trying not to panic.

EDIT: OK, so its awesome to have the computer back. It now as 153 spare GB on it, which is of teh cool. As I suspected would happen, everything's been wiped. The only thing that I object to is that that appears to include Microsoft Word, Works and iTunes. I can re-download itunes easily enough...but, Word? I don't think I have discs for that. Wtf?