That David played and it pleased the Lord

[fightingthecage]

For fuck's sake.

For the last three days (not including today) I have been thinking of posting this massive post of great emo because frankly, I've felt like shit. It can all really be summed up in; no Christmas spirit -> spending Christmas alone (apart from Evie, obv) again -> feeling like crap (ill again? Check) -> mother doing my head in -> having zero money to buy Evie a decent present, or Steve one at all -> no social life for the last two years = me being a big pile of emo. And I said to myself, if you're going to do an emo post, do it before you get rejected by Oxford otherwise then everyone will think your mood was just sparked by that etc. This is how deep in emo I was, planning the best way to be properly and genuinely emo.

AND THEN! I was denied this brilliant pity-party* I had planned by...a letter from Oxford yesterday saying, basically, 'thanks but no thanks.' And since then - I've fucking been in a great mood and I'm not even kidding. It seems the terrible mood of this week was caused by the waiting and now I know, I can chill and get my festive spirit back (I had been missing it). Obviously it's disappointing from an academic point of view and I'm not ashamed to admit that it would have been nice to have been able to tell people that I went to Oxford - but from the point of view of having a life, I'm really relieved. All I can think is that now I wont have to travel 500 miles a week and see my mother every single week and do massive essays every week and omg, I might actually be able to have a bit of a social life. That feels good to me at the moment.

I don't think the relief will last. I'm pretty sure I'll start to get upset about it at some point - possibly when UCAS confirms the rejection in February or when I actually start at Lancaster or most probably at some random moment when I'm least expecting it. But for now, I'm going to enjoy feeling relaxed again for the first time since October and go Chrimbo shopping tomorrow (mother lent me some money) and wrap some Christmas presents and make mince pies (I HAVE THE WHOLE WEEK OFF WORK YAY!).

But I'm telling you, that emo post would have been good. ;)

* I hatehatehate this phrase with an unholy passion but it's so apt in this case