The final is about to resume

[fightingthecage]

Oh God. I told Steve today that my mother is going to be here over the summer and offered to bring Evie over to his place for visits during that time because I assumed he wouldn't want to meet/deal with her. But no, he said he'd still come over even with her here (I have this theory that I've had since before Evie was born; namely, that he told himself I wouldn't be allowed back in his place ever again. I don't know why but I'm also positive I'm not wrong. Of course, he also finds it convenient because all her toys are at her home obviously but it's not the whole story, I'm sure. Anyway.) and that means...well, that Steve is going to meet my mother. The horror this fills me with is not something I can portray accurately in words.

I have no qualms about her meeting him - he's nice and good looking and well mannered and although he's a bit quiet, this is probably a good thing in this case. She however...is liable to blowing up at any moment. She has no sense of humour. She has no concept of what's embarrassing or hurtful to her kids - she makes totally inappropriate comments without thinking of the effect of them. She once told me that she'd 'never forgive Steve' for not being around when I was pregnant, failing to note that it has bugger all to do with her. Thus, there will probably be Comments. About that, about the fact he hasn't told his parents about her yet, about the fact he doesn't pay maintenence, about the fact that he only sees her once a week, comments alluding to the fact that she thinks he and I should be together (what I want or have told her doesn't count, only what she thinks counts). It won't matter if I ask her not to say anything, she is incapable of controlling herself.

And so, I am traumatised at the very thought. It is inevitable though and in a way, it might be good. She'll get to put a face to the name (so will stop bugging me about it), he will get to see Evie's grandmother and might be encouraged to tell his own parents. There is just no way in the world that there won't be at least one terrible incident. Hopefully it won't be bad enough to ruin the nice friendly status quo we have going on - if it does...I won't finish that sentence.

I do love my mother. She can be so awesome. But she's stuck her nose into my business before and once she lost me a job and the house I was living in, just because she can't control herself. Being publically embarrassed/humiliated was par for the course growing up with her. I am so worried that she's going to mess all this up too. Fuck. *deep breath*

Well. Nothing I can do about it. Just needed to vent all that.

As you were.

Comments

[introductory.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Good luck.

[innerbrat]

You know what?

It's possible all these things need to said.
- she said, callously.
Not that your Mum's right and he's wrong and a bastard, but he has behaved/is behaving in ways that you're (probably) not OK with. And making him aware of them may work for the better.

Sure, it may put him in a bad mood, but he'll get over it.

[fightingthecage.livejournal.com]

Thing is? I'm really OK with everything. I don't hold grudges and since he admitted he was ashamed of the way he walked away last year, I've pretty much been over all of that. The thing i wanted more than anything - him being a father to Evie - I have, so no complaints from me. I don't care about money and am not in the least bothered that he doesn't pay maintenence. Sure I'd like him to see her a bit more but he's proved that he's happy to take her when I need him to (he's having her in a couple of weeks when I have an exam) so no complaints there either. And when he sees her, he's wonderful. Not in the least bit resentful, the way i ws afraid he'd be back when she was born. So all in all, I'm perfectly at ease with the way things are between us.

My mother has a knack for sticking her nose in when it's completely inapproriate to do so. The thing I mentioned above about her losing me a job? I was 21 years old and she didn't agree with the hours I was being made to work so she phoned my boss and ranted at her. I lost the job and was told to get out of the house I was sharing with other employees, just because my mother can't see that her kids don't need her sticking her oar in. Sure, things are friendly with Steve now and he obviously wants to be in Evie's life, but he has a low tolerance for being inconvenienced and putting up with my mother bitching at him was not part of our deal. So, that#s why I need her to keep her mouth shut.

...sorry. Totally didn't mean to have another vent about my parent there.

[innerbrat]

No, it's OK, the vent helps me understand the situation more. My gut feeling is that mother's have their (grand)daughters interests at heart and don't tend to fuck them up. My gut feeling is capable of being wrong. ^_^

(My gut feeling is also that I would have a problem, so I'm biased there too.)

So warn Steve, if it's possible. Tell him up straight "my mother may make comments about xyz. Please don't project these opinions on to meor Evie, OK?" Can that be done?

[fightingthecage.livejournal.com]

She often does have good intentions - it's just that she is incapable of thinking out the possible consequences of her actions. The thing with the job is the closest I ever came to geting an apology from her for anything - she realised that she'd fucked up big time there. It hasn't stopped her acting the same way since, however. She may think that saying things to Steve will be good for Evie but the fact is, she doesn't know him, has no idea how he'll react but she'll go ahead anyway. She expects people to react the way she assumes they will, if that makes sense. She can't see that he won't appreciate her coments and won't be able to see that she could actually jeopardise his relationship with her. To sum it up - she has absolutely no empathy whatsoever. No idea of what it even means.

I think I will - I did a little bit today, by telling him that if she's in a bad mood/not feeling well/anxious, she turns a bit mental. I will probably spell it out for him a bit clearer ahead of time, just so he's prepared. I'm thinking of warning her too but I also don't want to call things to her attention. It's altogether possible that asking her to keep quiet would put the idea in her head and as I said, she can't control herself. So...yeah.

I should also add, really, that my mother has problems with anxiety and has had a breakdown in the past. If she's at all stressed, she lashes out by saying very bad/inappropriate things, with no thought of consequences. Hence, my worry about all this. Worse, she cannot recognise her own problems and if she behaves badly, immediately blames it on anyone but herself. Hence my worry about all this - but you're right. I need to warn him and then hopefully nothing will happen or get out of control.

[wakeupnew]

Debi beat me to the punch, here -- I think, from what you're saying, you'll probably want to explicitly lay most of this out for Steve. At least, the parts about how your mom will probably make comments, and that he shouldn't take them personally or think that her opinions are yours.

[fightingthecage.livejournal.com]

*nodnod* Yeah, writing all this out is kind of making me see that. I should perhaps have said more today but I also think it's kind of not fair to colour his perception of her before they even meet. But...yeah, if I don't warn him in advance then I will not stop stressing about it, at all. And he doesn't deserve to be blindsided by her digs at him (which she, of course, will not see as digs) 0 guess I just have to keep reminding myself that I can't let her get in the way of him and his daughter.

Ahh, I love lj. Things get so much clearer. Thank you! :D

[shadowofdoubt.livejournal.com]

Like a couple other people have said - warn the man, LOL. If he's prepared for what she might say and knows that it doesn't reflect at all on your opinion, he'll be much more likely to handle it without destroying your sanity. *hugs* I hope it goes over well!

Random: Did you get my other message about the weekend I'll be in England?

[fightingthecage.livejournal.com]

Heh, I think it's definitely only fair to him. Poor chap doesn't deserve the onslaught that is my Parent.

I did! Just waiting to hear back from said Parent on whether she'll definitely be around that weekend or not. She has to work a few days before it - I'll let you know as soon as she gets back to me. The Friday looks the most likely.

[shadowofdoubt.livejournal.com]

Okay, cool! Let me know what she says so I can get everything sorted out and snag a plane ticket. :) *bounces!*