Write

In response to the meme I posted earlier on...

Dear Everybody Reading:

This may well turn into the personal post I've never been able to write before. Then again, it may not. It all depends on how I feel as I get that far.

I want to say thanks. It really is good to be told you're being a total asshole sometimes, especially when its entirely true. And this isn't about refuting what you've said, because I agree with most of it - I just want to get a few things out in the open.

My life had a blueprint when I was a kid. I was going to get straight A's in school, go to Oxford, then either be an Army Officer or a barrister. The Army was my choice, Law my mother's. In the end, I got neither and since then I've been close to bankrupty, close to jail, almost an alcoholic, a drug user, promiscuous, friendless, jobless and - for a short period of time - homeless. And no matter what anyone says to me, I'm glad I have the life I have. I would rather be what I am now, than what I could have been.

I believe money is worthless. I have none, and don't care. There are people out there that think its the only thing that matters, and that's fine. But I will never think that way. I know people who have given up true love because the person they were in love with didn't have enough cash - and I can't think of anything worse that you can do to yourself. So at least I'll never be that person. I was told tonight that I leach cash off other people - no, not true. The only person I have ever leached off is my mother, I've never borrowed a penny off my friends. I have too much pride to ask and I'd rather go hungry - and often have - because of that. The reason I'll take it from my mother is because she gives it out of both love and guilt. I'll accept both, because I've earned it. There are reasons for that that I won't go into on the internet. The thing she fears most is me telling the truth about her and I know that, because she's told me. And because I love her, I'll respect that. Does this sound self-important yet? Yes, because I am.

I'm also self-absorbed. I admit it and am not ashamed of it. I believe we have one life (that we remember, anyway), and it's our job to learn everything we can, pass it on and then leave. Noisily or quietly, it doesn't matter. We need to enjoy ourselves. Life's a fantastic thing, and we only get one shot. One short shot. That's it. We have to make the most of it. In every generation, there are only about five people that'll be remembered in a hundred years time. I used to want to be one of them, now I don't give a fuck. Most of the people that read this - we're going to be nothing but a name on a death certificate in a few generations time. And that's why I don't really care about getting the university qualifications and the college stuff, because there are so many more interesting things to learn about that don't require sitting in a classroom. But I'll do it for the time being because I want to get a job that'll pay me enough to go and find the fun things to do. So if that comes across as me being self-interested...hell yes. But I'll still be there for any and all of my friends if they need an ear, or a ride, or money (if I have it), or a place to crash. Because while I look after myself, I'll look after everyone else too, if I can.

There's more I could say, probably. But I'll sum up in a second because I've lost my train of thought (I'm fuckin' freezing!). My life may be feckless and I may be a waste of space. I'm conceited and full of myself and I definitely think I'm cool. And I make no apologies for any of it because there's more to life than aiming at one thing and thinking it's the be all and end all. Doing something with your life is - in my opinion - about how you spend your days. Every day, not just what you're hoping to get at the end of the course/job/whatever. It's about giving your friend a lift when he's missed the bus, asking a stranger if they're alright when they're crying, laughing at your friends pissing about, listening to the stories old people tell about the past, being blown away by the way the sun comes down through the clouds. Appreciation, for everything. I may not write about how I appreciate the world because I'm sure no one wants to hear it. But I do, and this is my summation, this is why:

I believe in God. Everything I have and everything I am is because of Him. I've been saved from everything I've done wrong because of Him, I've landed on my feet every time because he's given me a mother that cares, no matter what I do, and the brains to be able to think my way out of my numerous messes. Yet I don't go to church because I think that He knows us, all of us, no matter what we do. I pray every night and through every day, and never fail to say thank you for what I've been given. If I'm not humble towards other people, I'm humble to him. And that's what counts.

The journey is important, not the destination. At the end of it all, no matter what happens, I'll have learnt. And no one will ever be able to convince me that that isn't worth every second of my shiftless, feckless life.