How the hell did you get here, semi-naked in someone else's room...?

[fightingthecage]

So. A question for my flist as I can't make up my mind.

If someone says a few things as a joke that causes someone else a lot of trauma, should one politely ask them not to do it again?

Should be an easy 'yes' right? Except that, in this case, telling them there's a problem with things they've said will reveal something else, something that's intensely private and not to be made public knowledge for the sake of a few jokes.

Suck it up and grit your teeth when comments like that are made again? Or save the pain by telling them there's an issue, and let something out that virtually no one else knows?

I mean, its not like the things were said on purpose. And they'd never be made again if the person knew that they were hurtful - but is it really fair to ask someone to curb their mouth for the sake of someone else's personal issues? I don't know.

...could I be any more long-winded? I doubt it.

Comments

[innerbrat]

I have made up what I think this might involve. Completely off the top of my head.

Politely ask them not to do it again. When asked 'why?' say 'it caused someone a lot of trauma.'

When asked who/why, politely say it's none of their business. If the someone is obvious, then it's still none of their business why it causes trauma.

A sensitive person will see than it it cause a lot of trauma, even if they're not told why, then they won't do it again.

I hope.

[fightingthecage.livejournal.com]

It's very good advice. The thing is, if they aren't told why it causes trauma, they're likely to a) prod a bit before dropping it (obviously, all bad), and then b) make their own personal assumptions which may possibly be discussed among other people. The person is sensitive but also a bit of a gossip.

But I hope he'd know when to keep his gob shut too. I just can't trust that he will.

[canadabear.livejournal.com]

I agree with IB, but is it possible to keep it hypothetical? Instead of saying "it caused someone trauma" go the "You know, some people could possibly be hurt by comments like those" route, therefore keeping it totally non-specific. I mean, chances are just by you bringing it up they'll think someone was hurt, so...

Eh, yeah. It's a tricky situation. If you think similar comments are likely to be made again, though, it might be worth trying to nip it in the bud, so to speak.

[fightingthecage.livejournal.com]

*nodnod* I thought of that too - unfortunately, I work with the guy who made the comments and as the evening progressed and I got worse, he noticed and has been bugging me ever since to tell him what the problem is/was. So I doubt the non-specific would work, as he'll know it was me - especially as I drove to a bar at 1am last night to confront him about it and then ended up not saying anything.

But yeah, you are right - probably have to be nipped in the bud. Thank you very much for commenting.

[innerbrat]

Gah. Sounds arsey. Unintentionally arsey, but still.

Can you say "Look, that might offend some people, don't do it" without implying trauma?

[fightingthecage.livejournal.com]

He's nosey! Which sometimes equates to arsey, aye.

I think that's probably the best way to go, yeah. I mean, I work with him and he saw me all stressed out after I finished, which is why he's now prodding me to tell him what was wrong. So I could try saying, 'What you said yesterday bothered me' without making a big deal out of it, only he'd know that it was kind of a big deal and then figure out why. But saying, 'you really pissed me off yesterday' and make the whole thing about me being angry, rather than traumatized, might work. Will piss him off, but tough.

/stream of consciousness

Hmmm. Think that's the way to go. I'll stop babbling now. And thank you very much for taking the time to comment. :)

[innerbrat]

I think, with me, it's because I don't mind what people knmow as long as I don't have to talk about it, y'know?

But if it matters whether he knows, then angry is the way to go. Yep.

[fightingthecage.livejournal.com]

Totally - I'm just more the sort that doesn't want people to know anything most of the time, especially something like this, unless I choose to tell them personally. So, yeah. Anger. *is good at that*

[innerbrat]

*nod nods* Good luck!