Confession (OneShot)

[fightingthecage]

Ficlet. Jack. Dunno what else to say. Standard disclaimer.

*****************************************

Confession

It’s going to rain. I can feel it coming, even as I sleep. The pressure’s been building all night and I can feel it in my head. I hope it does soon or I might explode before I wake.

I dream of you. Every night. Every day. Awake or asleep, I dream of you.

The apartment’s a mess. You wouldn’t approve. Paint peeling off the walls, pipes that wheeze and clatter in the stillness. There’s no air here, no way to breathe. But I lie and breathe anyway. The heat has a power of its own and it folds itself around me. I can hold it. Sometimes I dream of breeze and grass rippling over open hills – but mostly its just of you. I hold on to the heat because the last time I touched you, you were cold.

Not when I picked you up. Not at first. But once I’d picked you up I couldn’t let go and even though there was no life left, there was heat. You were still there in that warmth so I held on to you. It went though, as we sat on that floor. I felt it drain from you as I begged and pleaded and told you I was sorry. But the cold came for you anyway. Now I embrace the warmth. And dream of you.

You’d hate this place. It’s stifling. I’m watching the kids play soccer in the street, they don’t wear shoes. They’re good though and they seem to be immune to the sweat and the dirt. Then I go to work and float around, my friend keeping me high and out of reach.

You’d hate my friend. You wouldn’t let me spend time with him. Maybe he’s bad for me, who knows. But he’s the only thing I’ve got now that I let you go. I shouldn’t have let go. If I’d held on, maybe we’d still be there on that floor. You wouldn’t be there but at least I’d get to hold you again. I’d take the cold, just to hold you again. But they took me by surprise, disarmed me with duty to our baby and I let them take you away.

You’d hate the people I work for. You would say they had no class. You wouldn’t want me to give them my time. But its duty again and I have to go. You know me. I can’t walk away. There’s no reason to walk away now, no reason to stay awake or asleep or work or not, no reason to talk or smile or walk or live. But I do anyway because you would want me to. I do it for you. And my friend makes me. What would I do without my friend.

You’d hate me. I killed five people yesterday. My duty to the brothers and my duty to my country. They’ve accepted me now, I’ve passed the test. What would you say to that? You’d hate me. One of them was a kid. The last one. She cried. But it didn’t hurt because she was still warm when I left. Not like you. You were cold.

They’re coming for me. I don’t know if I’m still asleep or not. I have clothes on so maybe I woke up. Does it matter? I have to get this mark on my arm and be welcomed into my new family. Maybe it’ll be nice to have a family again. Have something to hold on to other than this absence of pain. There should be pain. But my friend takes care of that doesn’t he? No pain. Not anymore. Except when I dream of you.

That’s my confession. You’re the only thing that lets me know where I am, whether I’m alive or not. You cause me pain. I love you.

I’m looking out of the window and the kids are still playing even though the clouds are boiling above us all. Are you angry with me?

They’re coming. I’m sorry.

It’s going to rain today.