Blank White Walls (OneShot Slash)
Mar. 10th, 2005 06:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fightingthecageThis is my first ever slash fic, so it might not be that good. Some people have liked it already - but you know Jack fans, happy with any fic where he gets naked! ;)
Title: Blank White Walls
Author: fightingthecage
Rating: NC-17. SLASH!
Pairing: Jack/Tony
Summary: Jack's been away and is in a pretty bad state.
Disclaimer: All characters property of FOX, I'm just scribbling for fun, no money involved.
Author's Note: This is graphic! If you dont like the slash or anything involving hot guys gettng it on - read no further!
He walked into the same bar again that night. There was the same dingy atmosphere, the same jukebox, the same pool table in the back. Even the people were the same, even though it was a different town.
A Bud. Three shots of whiskey. Move on. There were other bars in this town. He didn’t know why he couldn’t bear to sit still and drink but he couldn’t. It wasn’t withdrawal, no chance of that. Never let himself go for that long without it.
Another bar that was the same. Another Bud and a few shots. Some girl tried to talk to him. He ignored her, drank and left.
It was the opposite of withdrawal. He’d taken too much, just slightly. It made his nerves fray and itch inside his body, he wanted to twitch to ease off his boiling blood but wouldn’t let himself. It took every ounce of concentration not to look like a guy that was hurtling through the air at incredible speeds above everyone’s head. But he managed it. He’d keep drinking. Eventually the edge would wear off and dull and he’d become lethargic and slow.
One more bar. Last before closing. He could go looking for an after hours joint but no, he wanted to hit the road. He’d almost got to where he was going, he’d get there that night. More advances by women. He blew them off and kept going.
Past 2am now. Jack wandered back to his car and hit the freeway. After a few months of a road littered with shot glasses, powdered mirrors and discarded syringes, it was time to go home -- and LA sat before him, awaiting his return.
************************
‘He’s back.’
‘How do you know?’
‘The neighbour called. He’s out now though, he just unloaded a bag and then left again.’
‘If he’s left his bag, he’s staying.’
‘You want me to go?’
‘No. I need to do this.’
***********************************
Jack stumbled back into his house and gave up trying to find the light switch after searching for a couple of minutes. He was too high and too drunk to worry about a mere lack of light. Shit, he’d barely seen daylight for two months now. Even after the bars closed he would sit in whatever motel he was at and stare at the walls until the sun came up. Then he’d pass out until it was time to get up and shoot up, and then he’d drink, and then drive.
He made it to the bathroom and pulled the cord, blinking rapidly as the light hit sensitive eyes. He always tried to avoid looking in the mirror but he didn’t care right now – so he looked like shit. So what? He stared at his reflection and tried to work out how he felt about being ‘home.’
Nothing. He felt nothing. He tried so hard to conjure up some kind of emotion but there was none there. He’d been on the road for months, he still didn’t know why he’d gone or what he was looking for. When CTU offered him leave of absence after the Salazar mission he had decided to take it. He’d had a vague idea about cleaning himself up since Ramon was in prison and the paperwork had been completed. But he hadn’t. He was more of a junkie than ever and no matter what he did, he just couldn’t seem to kick it.
There was a noise from the living room. He tried for something approaching alertness as he walked out of the bathroom. But fuck it. There was nothing to steal. If someone wanted to try and rob him, let them. But somehow he knew it wasn’t a burglar.
‘Didn’t take you long.’
Tony straightened from where he had bent to switch on a lamp.
‘We’ve been waiting for you to get back.’ He turned and did a fairly passable job of not letting his jaw hit the floor at the sight before him.
‘Yeah yeah, I look like shit. Move past it. You want a beer?’
Tony cleared his throat and mumbled a yes. Jack ignored his unease and headed to the kitchen. The place was swimming before his eyes but his high was wearing off. He was getting tired and it was getting harder not to think. He tried to avoid thinking at all costs these days. It just hurt too much. It was normally around this time that he’d do some coke or speed. He never wanted to sleep at night anymore. The darkness held too many terrors.
But Tony was here and he couldn’t slope off and return glassy-eyed. It would be too obvious to a man that was trained like he was. He’d have to try and drink through it until he left.
Tony took the Bud and used it to hide the fact that now he was here, he didn’t have a thing to say. He needed to talk about work obviously but Jack was just as obviously not in a place to hear it. He was thin to the point of emanciation, and white as a sheet. His eyes were bloodshot and old and they held nothing but pain. And he was drunk – very, very drunk. It was clear by the way he was weaving and the flush that had spread across his cheeks. Tony was suddenly ashamed – he’d asked if Jack was OK after he’d brought Ramon Salazar in and he’d said he was fine. They’d worked together on the clean up of the operation and he hadn’t asked again, even though Jack seemed even more on edge than he usually was.
And then he’d taken three months off and Tony hadn’t even tried to call his cell phone. Now here they were and Jack was very obviously not doing well.
‘What did you do when you were away? Did you leave the country?’ He’d taken a seat in an armchair and Jack was slouching on the settee, his head back and staring at the ceiling. The T-shirt he wore under his open shirt stretched across smooth, hard stomach muscles that could be clearly seen beneath the thin white material.
‘No. I just drove around a lot.’ His head came forward and Tony took his eyes off his body. ‘So, you didn’t come here at 2am to ask about my vacation Tony. What’s up? It must be important to drag you away from Michelle at this hour.’ The comment was accompanied by a small leer that Tony decided to ignore.
There was no easy way to say this so he just came out with it. ‘There’s been a few developments Jack. In the Salazar case.’ He stopped at the look on the blonde man’s face, watched as something like horror began to spread over his features.
‘Developments?’
A nod. ‘Yeah. It looks like they’ve stumbled on to something big. Something really big. But it’s going down soon and we need to come up with a plan. I’ve talked to Gael about this but no one else – we were waiting for you Jack.’
Jack tried to digest the news but his brain wasn’t working. All he could think about was that the mere mention of Ramon brought back memories that he’d been trying to block, images flashed across his mind that he didn’t want to deal with.
‘Ramon Salazar.’ His voice was flat as he slugged some beer and he hoped he wasn’t as white as he felt he must be. Hoped his hands weren’t really shaking at the mere mention of the guy’s name. Hoped he wasn’t really going to throw up the way he wanted to right now. Hoped in vain that Tony wouldn’t notice.
‘Are you OK Jack? You’re sweating…’
Jack started to nod and then stopped. Dammit, he needed to throw up. He stood quickly, too quickly, and knew that he was going to fall but he couldn’t move to stop it. He swayed and his knees started to buckle…but then Tony was there, grasping his shoulders and back, murmuring ‘I got you, it’s OK buddy, I got you. Bathroom?’ Jack nodded and Tony propped him up as they wove their way through the house, the world swirling around Jack as he fought to hold on.
Tony left him as he got sick and went to get a glass of water. He didn’t know what was going on exactly but there was obviously more to this than simple drunkenness. Jack had gone white when he’d brought up Salazar and the fear in his eyes and on his face was obvious. He didn’t dwell on it though and hurried back, to find Jack slumped on the floor, pale and shaking with his head resting on the toilet.
‘Here, drink this.’ Tony squatted next to him and handed over the water, which was gratefully accepted. He was close to Jack and stayed there. He felt protective all of a sudden. It occurred to him that he didn’t really have a clue what Jack had done in Mexico and he’d never met Salazar himself – but the man’s reputation was well known. Tony could have kicked himself as he crouched in that bathroom – why hadn’t he ever properly checked that Jack was OK?
Jack finished the water and rested his head back down, facing Tony but not looking at his face. ‘I’m alright. Just drank too much.’
Tony wasn’t convinced but he nodded anyway. And then, for reasons he couldn’t explain, he reached out and ran a hand over the top of Jacks head and down to his neck. A slight squeeze and then he let it drop. Jack looked up in surprise – but his face froze as he looked into the deep brown eyes of his friend and he was reminded of another time, a night much like this, when they had both been drinking and…
He shook himself in his head while not dropping the steady gaze. No. That had been…well, he didn’t know what that night had been but Tony was married now and he was fairly sure that there wouldn’t be a repeat performance. Did he even want one? He wasn’t sure. Things were complicated enough and…but damn, Tony was still looking at him and suddenly there was a definite something in the air…
Tony held the blue green stare and hoped his face wasn’t showing the turmoil he felt inside. He felt guilty. He should have taken better care of Jack. He was confused as to what was going on with Salazar and the need to talk to Jack about work was getting urgent. He had to get him on board with the plan he and Gael had vaguely outlined, but judging by Jack’s reactions so far, that might not be easy.
And also…he could see that Jack remembered what had happened before and knew that he was thinking about it now. Sometimes the man was as easy to read as a good book – and he was sure that Jack was thinking the same about him. But would either one of them say anything? He didn’t know. It wasn’t something they had ever talked about.
Tony suddenly shifted and dropped his gaze, trying to ignore the way the air in the room felt heavy with…something. He flushed slightly and studied the floor, very aware that Jack was still looking at him. ‘You done in here?’ he asked softly, half hoping that Jack would say no so that they didn’t have to move from the relative safety of this position.
‘Need to brush my teeth.’ Jack staggered as he tried to get up and Tony was there again, supporting him as he rose, using the toilet for balance. He held on to him as Jack grabbed a toothbrush and paste, telling himself that the hand on his friends back was just there to keep him steady as he cleaned himself up. Just like Jack was telling himself that he was only cleaning his teeth because of the taste of vomit, and that was all there was to it.
He finished up and turned around. Tony had been behind him throughout and didn’t move when he did, so they were only inches apart by the time Jack was facing him. He leaned his butt against the sink and fought the urge to cross his arms and protect himself from the way Tony’s nearness confused him. They just looked at each other and the silence was almost louder than words. Eventually Jack looked away – dammit, this was impossible! He was in no state to deal with this! Whatever had happened in the past was years old, dead and buried and it should stay that way.
‘You want to talk about Ramon?’ He wished immediately that he had said that in a normal voice and not in the whisper that had actually emerged.
Tony nodded. ‘Yeah OK. It’s important, otherwise I’d let you sleep right now. I won’t take long.’
‘Cant stay away from Michelle too long. You’ll get in trouble.’ It was a dig that Jack felt guilty for almost as soon as he’d said it but it was too late now. But he couldn’t help notice the flash of uncertainty that crossed Tony’s features either. What was the man thinking? Shit, what was he thinking for that matter.
Withdrawal wasn’t kicking in yet but Jack could feel it hovering on the edges of his consciousness, waiting for time to pass so it could exert its painful pressure. He tried to ignore it for the time being but just knowing it was there was enough to bother him slightly. He knew that Tony wouldn’t leave until he’d said his piece about Salazar, so maybe it would be better all round if he got it over with quickly. Then he would go and Jack could fix.
But did he want him to go?
He leaned on the dark man again as they walked slowly back to the sitting room, maybe more than he needed to. A part of Jack’s brain admitted that it was nice to have contact with something warm again, it had been a long time. Too long. He reached down for his unfinished beer when they reached the coffee table but Tony was ahead of him again, and he bent down for it without removing himself from Jack’s side.
‘Thanks.’
‘Welcome.’
Jack lowered himself to the settee and Tony didn’t move across to the armchair where he’d been earlier. Instead he sat on the end cushion, one leg tucked underneath his body and all of him facing the other man. Close, but not too close. Although to Jack at this moment, the other side of the city might have been too damn close…
‘So what’s up? What’re the boys up to?’
The boys. Tony took a second to mull that over. Not ‘they,’ not ‘the Salazar’s,’ – it was ‘the boys.’ As though he were still one of them, as though the mere mention of Ramon had taken Jack back in time.
‘Intel suggests that they’ve been making enquiries into things that they never used to be interested in. I guess they’ve been thinking of branching out. Indications are that they’re looking into biological weapons. They’ve got the money Jack, and probably the manpower as well. Maybe even the skills to handle it…’
Jack cut him off with a soft ‘I know what they’ve got Tony.’
He cursed himself. Of course Jack knew. They probably had the manpower and skills because of his influence. ‘Sorry. I know you do. The thing is – how do we stop them? If they get their hands on a weapon like that, it’ll go to the highest bidder. They won’t care who buys it or what their intentions are for it after it’s sold. We need to control what happens – we don’t often get the chance to….Jack, are you listening to me?’
He wasn’t. His brain was trying to process what he was hearing and at the same time, it was trying to force his memories out of the dark box he kept them in. The box that threatened to burst its seams every time he heard the word ‘Salazar.’ It was a box that was full of horrors – blood, screams, death, drugs, torture, shootings, stabbings, explosions…rape. He shuddered. Rape might be the worst. Given by him, administered to him. The source of so many nightmares, so many screams. His and not his. He tried to concentrate on what Tony was saying but he just wanted to do what he did every time the box got opened – take drugs and then stare blindly at blank white walls. Walls were boring. There was nothing about them that stimulated thought and he liked that.
But he couldn’t do that now, he was being forced to think. He fought himself again, trying desperately to focus on work, pleading with himself to hold it together. He pulled quickly at his beer to hide his pain, hoping that none of this was obvious to Tony. But as the man kept talking, it became harder and harder, all he could hear was the begging of people he’d tortured for Ramon, the screaming of people who had limbs cut off and eyes pulled out. The crying of children as their parents were killed in front of them, the desperation of pinned-down women as the men advanced on them with hunger in their eyes…his own desperate struggle not to cry as Ramon bore down on him that first time… He could still feel the lump in his throat as he was exposed and humiliated for the pleasure of his superior. He had never been that vulnerable in his life and he hated it so much he couldn’t bear it…it was worse than all the atrocities he had been forced to commit for the sake of his country.
He was crying now and he didn’t even realise it. Tony stared at the silent tears in horror, not knowing what to say. Somehow feeling that Jack wasn’t aware of them. Or him.
Jack hated the way the way he was weak. Hated that being taken and used was worse for him than all the things he had done. He should have been able to ignore what was done to him physically, it was only sex really. He should hate himself more for the people he’d killed. But he didn’t. The humiliation was worse. It hurt so bad that it burned, his stomach curled when he thought about it and he just wanted to curl up and cry in a dark room. But there was no use in doing that and he couldn’t cry, there were no tears. He needed to just forget about it, which is why there were drugs and alcohol and empty beds in motel rooms and why he hadn’t slept properly in months…
…but now there were arms around him. He shook his head and tried to work out what was going on. He knew he was still drunk and still high. Was this another of those hallucinations, the ones he got when there had been no sleep for a full week? He reached up and touched one of the arms that was around his chest. It was real…God, it was Tony! Jack gasped and was suddenly back in the present, back in his own house in a room dimly lit by a solitary lamp. There were tears on his cheeks and he was shaking…and Tony’s arms were around him and his lips were in his hair…without thinking about what he was doing, Jack reacted the only way he could. He shifted his head and looked into the face above him. And Tony was leaning forward and kissing him, or maybe he was kissing Tony, he didn’t know and it didn’t matter, all that mattered was that the pain was stopping and he wasn’t thinking, there was someone holding him close and fuck, it felt good, it had been so long and the kiss felt so good, it was soft and probing and reached into his very core and stripped him down and made everything else go away…
Tony had been at a loss, Jack hadn’t stopped crying. And the crying was wrong somehow, there were no sobs and no change in his face…just a steady stream of water from each eye, falling down cheeks that might have been carved from pale white marble. And he had remembered the last time that he’d seen Jack like this, a couple of months after Teri had died. He had been drunk then too, they both were, and Jack had actually opened up to him. They had talked a little about Nina and then in his drunken state Tony started apologising for not taking better care of Teri and Jack had told him it wasn’t his fault, she was Jack’s responsibility. And Tony had almost hit him, told him that he had to stop blaming himself but Jack couldn’t, he was somehow only alive because it was the best way to torture himself…and Tony had tried to help by wrapping his arms around him as he cried and then, just like now, they were kissing and it had led to more...led to everything that night, just another thing between them that they couldn’t talk about. But it had always been there, regardless of everything afterwards, irrespective of Tony’s happy marriage to Michelle and the brief time that Jack was happy with Kate.
It wasn’t love and they weren’t gay. It was something that was born out of the way they were tied into so many secrets together that they didn’t have to talk about anything at all. Anything between them simply was. No need for dissection or comment. They just let it be. Even so, Tony had never expected it to happen again. But it was the only thing he could do for his friend tonight, this friend that he would do anything for, even if he hated him sometimes.
The kiss was long and soft and Jack felt he was drowning in it. He had ignored women the three months he’d been away and it was six months since he’d been in Mexico. He hadn’t been without release for so long in his entire sexual life but up until now, he hadn’t really noticed. He’d had no interest in it, it was one of the side effects of heroin. But his body wasn’t about to ignore the direct advances of insistent lips and wandering hands and Jack surrendered to the feeling that rushed through him, the powerful sweep of desire that seemed to shoot from his mouth through every nerve in his body and congregate in his groin. He moaned softly as Tony’s hand left the side of his neck and began to travel slowly down his chest, it eventually rested on his side just above his hip and he wished it hadn’t stopped.
Tony broke the kiss and moved his head back slightly, his breath coming in shallow gasps. He felt like he was on fire, there was something about this that affected him on a deeper level than anything he’d done with Michelle. Well, maybe not deeper – but it was different. He didn’t know quite what it was and now wasn’t the moment to try and define it. He kissed gently along Jack’s jaw line and back again to his mouth, small kisses that felt hot on the skin.
‘Are you sure you want this Jack? I don’t know what’s going on and I don’t want you to fall apart. Don’t want to make things worse…’ He laid a small kiss on those curved lips, noticing how they immediately parted and wanted more.
‘Don’t stop.’ The words were breathed more than spoken and Tony knew he meant them. Somehow knew that this would help him. He kissed him again, then stood up and reached down a hand.
‘Come on.’ Jack looked up at the dark figure that stood over him. The hand reached for him and his first instinct was to shy away from it. But this was Tony and it would be alright. He took the hand and allowed it to help him off the settee. They stood close together, neither moving but one hand was still entwined. Jack couldn’t even begin to contemplate what brought them to this place but here they were and they couldn’t stop now. He’d break if Tony walked away, he knew it.
Tony knew that Jack couldn’t instigate the next stage, he hadn’t been able to last time either. He figured that for the man, it was like enduring torture – you never chose to have it happen to you but when it did and you were tied up and helpless, you just took it and tried to deal with it. Not that this was torture but having sex with another man didn’t really fit into the rest of Jack’s self portrait. It was like a time out, an injury stoppage where you got fixed up before resuming normal play. That was what Tony thought anyway, when he’d tried to analyse it after the last time.
So he took the initiative and knew Jack appreciated it. He freed his hand from Jack’s and moved both hands down to the other man’s hips, pulled him close so that their bodies were pressed together. Then he kissed him again and like everything else, Jack accepted it all, allowed himself to be manoeuvred to wherever Tony wanted him. Their tongues gently touched, then started a slow dance together as their lips pressed more insistently and Jack found himself pushing into the other man’s body, hungry for contact, hungry to be touched. His hands left his sides and cupped Tony’s face as the kiss became deeper and more intense, then he buried them in that thick, dark hair as he silently urged his friend to move him to where he wanted to be. He couldn’t do it himself.
Tony had to stop a groan as he felt Jack push against him, felt that nudging against his hip that told him Jack was ready for more. He knew he was too but wanted to make sure once again. So he pulled Jack into a deep embrace, one hand buried in the blond hair at the back of his head, the other in the small of his back holding their bodies together. Blood was pooling in his groin so fast he felt almost light-headed but he had to be certain. He nibbled on the ear that was against his lips and whispered once again ‘You’re sure?’ And there was a nod - no hesitation - and a hand that pulled him even closer.
He pulled away reluctantly but grabbed a loose hand as he walked past. ‘Come on.’ Tony knew where the bedroom was and Jack followed him without a word. He had switched off his mind, it was easy this time, easy when he had this to focus on. He wondered briefly if the last few months would have been easier if he’d picked up a woman in every town he’d been in but knew instantly that it would have made it worse. He felt guilty with every woman he fucked, it was somehow a betrayal of the serious love he had with Teri – even Kate was too soon. Maybe that’s why he needed this from Tony tonight. A man was different and didn’t remind him of anything. And he needed the contact so desperately, now that they’d started it was almost painful for him to not have flesh against him. He was so cold and wanted to be warm again, even if was only for an hour or so.
Tony didn’t hesitate when they reached the bedroom. There was no point. They both wanted this badly and they weren’t going to stop now. He pushed the door closed after Jack had followed him inside and immediately grabbed him, holding him tightly and enjoying the way Jack held on to him. Their kissing was deep and passionate but it wasn’t enough. Tony eased Jack’s open shirt down his back and off his arms, never letting their lips break contact. He ran his fingers up the strong arms, tapping lightly over the tattoos that he’d always admired, enjoying the feel of taut skin over hard muscles. Then he allowed his hands to run down the chest, down to the hem of his white T-shirt and underneath. He couldn’t stop himself moaning as he came into contact with the smooth stomach and soft hair.
‘Take it off.’
Jack did as he was told, reaching down and pulling off the shirt in one smooth movement. He was very thin and every contour of his muscles stood out and rippled with his movements. Tony’s arousal grew almost unbearable at the sight and he couldn’t stop himself reaching down to grab his erection and squeeze it, just to try and ease some of the tension. Jack saw it and smiled, the first time that night. He closed the small gap between them and started to unbutton Tony’s shirt, staring at the hand all the time that had started to move in slow strokes over the bulge in his jeans.
‘I was going to ask whether you were sure, seeing as you’ve been polite enough to ask me twice. I guess I really don’t need to.’
Tony smiled back. ‘No, you don’t need to.’ He took his hand off his cock and pulled Jack to him, revelling in the feel of their skin touching. He kissed him hard again and let his hands wander over flesh as he did, pinching lightly at times, rubbing softly over his nipples until they became hard, running fingers gently down over the mans ribs. Letting Jack know that he enjoyed touching him.
Jack knew what he was doing and was grateful. If it was just a fuck, a quick fumble in the dark and an embarrassed goodbye, he would feel worse than he did now. He allowed himself to admit in his head that it was intimacy he wanted, he didn’t want to feel alone. Somehow Tony had recognised this and was going out of his way to make it happen. And God it felt good. Jack’s skin was singing where Tony’s fingers ran over it, his nerves lit up when the soft kisses ran down his neck and onto his chest. He damn near exploded when he saw the man touching himself and now he wanted to touch him too. Wanted to get that dark body next to his and rub himself all over it. Needed that weight pressing him into the bed. Desperate to feel good and have his mind full of pleasure instead of pain for a while, for his body to ache with desire instead of screaming for chemicals.
Thank God! Tony was pulling at his belt buckle. He let him undo it and felt his jeans drop to the floor before he returned the favour. And suddenly, he was on his back on the bed and Tony was on top of him, giving him everything he’d wanted. His lips had worked down his body and were concentrating on driving his nipples crazy and the fingers were stroking their way down the hollow of his stomach. Jack’s cock was straining at the soft fabric of his cotton boxers, those fingers tickled and teased, dipping just below the waistband and then coming back up again, making him writhe and moan. Fuck, this was amazing! He had never been a vocal man in bed but he was so desperate he couldn’t seem to help himself. ‘Jesus Tony, don’t stop…Oh my God, don’t fucking stop…’ All thoughts except lust were gone from his mind and he had to hold his breath when he finally felt his shorts being pushed down his hips. He almost lost control when the elastic caught on the head of his cock on their way down. He squeezed his eyes shut and blanked out the shockwave of ecstasy that spread through him.
Tony saw the effect his fingers were having and smiled to himself as he licked and kissed his way over Jack’s torso. It had obviously been a while and he wasn’t going to hold out long, that was obvious. Tony was confident he could make him happy twice, as long as he didn’t lose interest after the first time. He himself had better control as he’d already had sex that day – but this was about Jack so he’d make it as good as he could for him.
Without warning, he suddenly dipped his head and sucked the head of Jack’s cock into his mouth. He couldn’t help laughing at the strangled cry that erupted above him and the vibration from his mouth just made the moaning louder. This wasn’t the first blowjob he’d ever given so he knew where the really sensitive spots were and he stayed away from them as best he could. Even so, Jack throbbed in his mouth and he could taste the salty pre-come that spilled from the tip. Using long deep movements, Tony gently took him deeper and deeper, avoiding the spot behind the head that he knew would finish him off and careful not to flick his tongue or run it over the top. He groaned in pleasure as Jack’s hands reached down and sought his head, pushing him in the rhythm that he wanted and Tony couldn’t help but slip his hands into his own shorts and start to slowly jerk himself off. He was careful to listen to Jack though, and the moment the cries got too desperate he eased off and eventually stopped altogether.
‘Christ Tony, don’t stop. Please…’
‘I want this to last a bit longer Jack.’ Tony stood up and got rid of his own underwear, then quickly laid back down next to him, kissing him lightly and running a hand down his body. ‘How far do you want to go?’ He didn’t want to kill the mood right now but he didn’t want to spoil it by doing something the other man didn’t want either.
Jack pierced him with his eyes and snorted. ‘Fuck Tony, you didn’t ask me that last time. You just screwed me. And let me tell you, I’ve had it a lot worse since then. So do whatever you want – just make it good!’ As he spoke he reached for Tony’s erection and started pulling it off, slowly but firmly, using a hand that took no prisoners. He didn’t know why but all of a sudden he needed to exert some control in this situation. All of the dark man’s questions disappeared under the power of that practised hand and very soon he was moaning like Jack had been doing a few moments before. His breathing began to get shallow and ragged as a thumb was dragged repeatedly over the tip of his cock, spreading his own juice down his shaft and making him slick and rigid. His balls swelled under teasing fingers and drew up to his body, he could feel the pressure building in the base of his cock and knew that Jack was going to push him over if he didn’t ease up soon. ‘Stop…fuck Jack, stop…you’re gonna make me cum…’
But Jack didn’t stop. There was none of the intimacy that Tony had showed him, none of the care. He was merciless, teasing and playing until the man in his hand was so hard it was hurting. ‘Jack please stop…this was supposed to be good for you…’
‘But this is good for me Tony, seeing you squirm like this…’ There was a callous note in his voice that made Tony look up and he was shocked to see Jack openly enjoying his anguish. There was no hint of playfulness about it, he was deliberately trying to ruin the gentle mood that Tony had started out with. And that pissed him off. With a growl, he pushed Jack’s hand off him and rolled over him, pinning him down so that he couldn’t move at all, grinding his groin against Jack’s.
‘Is this what you want then? Huh? You want it rough? Want me to fuck you like ‘the boys’ did? Just force you into it?’ Tony didn’t catch the way Jack’s eyes went flat and cold and his body tensed. ‘Well Christ Jack, why didn’t you just say so?!’
‘Get off me Tony.’ No callous note in the voice this time, just pure soft menace. Tony glared down at him for a long moment, his fingers digging into the forearms that he had pinned beside Jack’s head. He wasn’t straining against the restraint or moving in any way – but he was a coiled spring all the same and Tony knew better than to be on top when he snapped. He rolled off and stared at the ceiling, cursing himself.
‘I’m sorry Jack. I shouldn’t have said that. I know that you don’t need to be reminded of Mexico.’
Jack was struggling not to break down the instant he heard Tony snap at him and then apologise and acknowledge that he knew some of what went on down there. He had always wondered how much the other people in CTU knew but he was too afraid to ask – it would be ten times worse if everyone knew that he’d been raped over and over when he first went down there. Maybe Tony didn’t know it all but he at least suspected and….fuck, he didn’t realise just how vulnerable he could feel. It wasn’t the same as with Ramon but it was still bad – Tony was a friend and…it suddenly struck him how ridiculous he was being. He had slept with Tony long before he had ever met Ramon, so what was he doing getting all mad like this? He wanted to laugh at himself but he was still too near tears so instead, he did something he’d never done with a man before – he kissed him. On purpose. He rolled over and gently placed his lips on Tony’s mouth, not noticing a teardrop fall off his chin onto the man’s shoulder.
‘I’m sorry…’ It was so soft it was almost a whisper and Tony was so taken aback that at first he didn’t notice the hand snaking down his body and gripping his penis, which was at half-mast by now.
‘No, I’m sorry.’ He gasped as he felt the pressure on him and figured there was nothing left to really say anyway. Jack was softer this time, taking it easy, letting him build up again – but it still wasn’t long before he was groaning and trying to jerk his hips up into the fist that encircled his shaft, wanting him to speed up but also wanting him to stop so he could return the favour properly. ‘Fucking hell Jack...seriously, you’re gonna have to stop…’
The hand slowed and tapped lazy fingers on the tip. Tony let out a breath he’d been holding and didn’t waste any time, he was close as it was and being brought to the edge twice had made him crazy. He trailed his tongue back down Jack’s body and without preamble began to suck him off hard. It took less than a minute before he was gasping and Tony took that as his cue. ‘You got any lube?’
‘Fuck lube Tony, just do it. You think I care if it hurts?’
Tony wanted to ask if he was sure, because this would hurt but he really couldn’t hold back much longer. The sight of those muscles straining under him, the large cock throbbing in his mouth and now so obviously on the verge of exploding was making his head crazy, so as gently as possible he used as much saliva as he could gather and pushed himself against Jack’s entrance. Yeah, he gasped a bit when he eased in but that was all Tony noticed, he was immediately in danger of blowing it,
‘Fucking Hell, you’re tight. Jesus Jack….’
Jack was used to this pain and didn’t really think anything of it. It was sharp but bearable, he had been broken into many times over by now. He just squeezed his eyes shut until it passed. Tony was waiting for something, muttering incoherent words and obviously trying to hold it together so Jack let his mind wander for a second. He really needed a fix, this was taking a lot longer than he’d planned. It wasn’t hurting yet, but it was coming.
He forgot about it as Tony started moving and all of a sudden all the stress of the last few hours had been worth it. He was held down by the weight of the man on top of him, and the pleasure was almost unbearable as Tony made sure to move in such a way that he scraped across Jack’s prostate. The first time he hit the spot Jack saw stars and then all he could think about was getting more of this feeling as fast and as deep as possible. He writhed and pushed himself down to meet the onslaught and all he could do was gasp ‘Oh fuck….oh fuck….Tony….’ over and over and he tried not to get swept away just yet because fuck, this might just be the best he’d ever felt and oh holy crap it was good and nothing else mattered and he just wanted to feel like this forever and by the sound of it Tony did too, Christ, listen to him yelling…
Tony couldn’t focus, couldn’t breath. He’d never felt such heat, such tight muscles gripping him and he almost couldn’t bear to move at first. Jack seemed OK to wait for a bit and eventually he got under enough control to push all the way in. He knew he’d hit it right when Jack suddenly went tense and he had to hold it again – fucking hell that was a tight squeeze! But then he eased up and Tony could move again and Oh God this was going to be over really damn quickly because there was no way he could keep up this feeling and not go absolutely mental, it was just too fucking good. He thrust in harder and harder, noticing through the fog that Jack was pushing down on him, wanting more, wanting it harder and faster and oh Lord, I cant hold on to this….. ’Jack I cant hold on much longer….fuck, you’re so tight…’ He kept moving, his head thrown back and every vein in his neck standing out and pulsing. Jack wanted to lick them but couldn’t summon the strength to reach his head up…
‘Finish me off Tony…..fuck I’m so close…do it now…oh fucking hell…. NOW.’ His voice was straining to get the words out and it was desperate in its need. There was no argument, Tony’s hand immediately went to his cock and started stroking hard, in time with his thrusts. Jack moaned on the first, yelled on the second and by the fifth he was damn near screaming and coming and coming hard, white jets of fluid emptying all over their bodies in a seemingly never-ending stream as he pushed down onto Tony and his muscles closed like a vice around the cock inside him. That was it, one more thrust and Tony was through as well, exploding inside Jack like a shotgun blast, his scream silent and almost painful in its intensity. Jack felt the warmth inside and tried to hold himself still as aftershocks ran through him, making his softening penis twitch in the hand that was still wrapped around it.
Tony pulled out and collapsed unceremoniously in a heap, panting hard and completely spent. Jack was sorry that he’d left so quickly, even though now he was satisfied he didn’t want any closer intimacy. It had just been nice to feel someone against him like that, even if it was a man. But it didn’t take long for thoughts to stop again as exhaustion took the place of lust and he had to fight to keep his eyes open. Even the nagging need to fix was pushed away by the desire to sleep but he forced himself to stay awake.
Tony wanted some assurance that things were OK. Jack hadn’t moved an inch since he’d left his body and he didn’t seem right somehow, it was like he was paralyzed and that couldn’t be good. He knew he shouldn’t but he rolled over anyway and planted a gentle kiss on those soft lips that were inviting even now the sex was over. They were almost feminine in their beauty, those curved arches and Tony wanted one more taste – it might be the last he ever got. There was no resistance and just the barest hint of reciprocation. Tony could live with that. He wanted to say something but what was there to say? Nothing, there was nothing. Neither of them knew what this weird relationship was that helped Jack heal and made him, Tony, cheat on his beautiful and loving wife. In that moment, Tony doubted either of them would ever know what it was or what it meant.
‘I’d better go.’
‘Yeah.’ Don’t go. You can sleep for a little while. I don’t want you to touch me and I don’t want to touch you but you could stay for a bit, just so I’m not on my own again. Please?
And straight afterwards….
Yes go. I don’t need you here. I need to fix and you cant be here for that. I doubt our friendship would stretch to you knowing about that little side effect of Mexico. And I don’t need you here to see me fight sleep and try to stay awake and I definitely don’t want you here for the nightmares. Better that you go and I’ll stay buried, trying to keep the lid on the box and trying to live with what I’ve become…
Tony got up when Jack didn’t say anything and started to dress. He watched the man sprawled on the bed, spread out completely naked and seemingly unselfconscious, his body covered with the evidence of what they’d done but still they couldn’t talk about it. He found all his clothes and pulled them on, waiting for a beat after he’d fastened the buckle on his belt.
‘We still need to talk about work. I’m sorry but we do.’
‘I’ll be here until I go back to work. Drop by anytime. Bring Gael if you want.’ If you want to be sure you don’t have to do this again. Because it seems like you enjoy it but I know you’re just doing it to try and help me. And it does but I don’t want to be in your debt anymore than I already am.
Shit, I’m so fucked up. Please go. I cant take your kindness. It hurts too much.
It was bad form to say ‘thanks’ after sex. But Jack felt he should say something. He pulled the sheets over himself finally and lay spread out on his back, open to the world. ‘Tony?’
He couldn’t say it. Fuck, he couldn’t say it.
But he didn’t have to. There was that knowing little smirk again that was never malicious but hurt more because of it’s sweetness. ‘It’s OK Jack. I’ll come by. We’ll figure it all out.’ Tony didn’t know if he was talking about the Salazar thing or…anything else. They’d never been able to figure anything out up until now after all. ‘See ya later.’
‘Yeah.’
And he was gone. Jack lay there, staring at the blank white ceiling, the thing he always craved. Nothing to think about. He was so tired. Maybe he’d sleep tonight. He couldn’t even get up to fix, fuck it, he’d sleep a few hours and let withdrawal wake him up.
It wasn’t until he heard the front door close and the purr of a starting car that he allowed himself to curl up into a tight ball, gripping himself closely as the tears started to fall.
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no subject
Date: 2005-03-11 01:08 am (UTC)I love this image, especially the image of LA "sitting," waiting for him. Because cities do that, they sit. Odd, how cities do things without being alive, isn't it?
Yeah yeah, I look like shit. Move past it.
Oh God, that's such a Jack thing to say. Yes, this is the situation, get over it and get to the important shit. <3 that line.
He was thin to the point of emancipation, and white as a sheet.
I think you meant emaciation there. Emancipation was what happened when the slaves were freed, emaciation is when you're really scrawny and sick-looking. ;)
Sometimes the man was as easy to read as a good book – and he was sure that Jack was thinking the same about him.
That's an odd thing about Jack. He tries so hard to keep everything inside, but sometimes you can just see it all rise to the surface before he shoves it back under again.
Rape might be the worst. Given by him, administered to him. The source of so many nightmares, so many screams. His and not his.
That bit made my stomach turn, which is awesome because it's not even graphic. Just the way you wrote it is so visceral.
He was crying now and he didn’t even realise it. Tony stared at the silent tears in horror, not knowing what to say. Somehow feeling that Jack wasn’t aware of them. Or him.
Eep, poor Jack. Poor Tony, too. I can see this scene really clearly and even though Jack doesn't cry often, I can definitely believe it in this situation.
I was going to ask whether you were sure, seeing as you’ve been polite enough to ask me twice. I guess I really don’t need to.
Again, that strikes me as such a Jack thing to say. Even with the booze and the drugs, I think you've hit his character spot on, which is a really hard thing to do.
He almost lost control when the elastic caught on the head of his cock on their way down. He squeezed his eyes shut and blanked out the shockwave of ecstasy that spread through him.
I . . . um . . . gah. No words to describe the hotness of that bit. *lusts*
The hand slowed and tapped lazy fingers on the tip.
That is just a really fucking hot image. *lusts more* And I can totally imagine Jack doing something like that in bed, just touching because he can. *purrs*
He knew he shouldn’t but he rolled over anyway and planted a gentle kiss on those soft lips that were inviting even now the sex was over. They were almost feminine in their beauty, those curved arches and Tony wanted one more taste – it might be the last he ever got.
I love this description of Jack's lips, it's absolutely perfect.
I really, really like this fic. I think you did an awesome job with the characters of Jack and Tony, and I especially like how far you took Jack's character. We've never seen him quite that down on the show but if he ever was at that point, I think you portrayed exactly how he would be - tired but doggedly persistent, wanting a fix but holding back, downcast but stubborn as always. Great job. :)
no subject
Date: 2005-03-11 12:54 pm (UTC)*fights with LJ, trying to work out how to make things in italics* Gah! I suck. Never mind - just wanted to say that this...
>>That's an odd thing about Jack. He tries so hard to keep everything inside, but sometimes you can just see it all rise to the surface before he shoves it back under again.<<
...I see as a testament to what Kiefer's done to the character. He could have made Jack so blank and hard - but those subtle little moments where suddenly he allows us to see what Jack REALLY thinks - just awesome. He's so damn good! And did I mention that he's absolutely the hottest damn thing ever? Well, I just did... :D
I really REALLY appreciate you taking the time to comment. Its hard to gauge sometimes, whether people just like stuff because its got Jack shagging in it, or whether they actually like the things I write. *shrug* Such is life I guess. But thank you.
And now - I'm totally up for your Jack/Chase fic. Bring it ON! :D :D
This is your first slash?
Date: 2005-06-16 10:51 am (UTC)Oh, jayus, yes. Just yes. The desperation, the all encompassing need and at the heart of it, there's something more that they shy away from.
I have only read a few stories that have this aching male/male action (hi, I'm from the Harry Potter fandom, obstenisbly a Sirius Black/Remus Lupin shipper? Nice to meetcha.)
The narrative was very authoriatitive, and the fact that it felt like men, not chicks with dicks is very much appreciated.
God - I could say more but - the story broke me man, just... yis.
Re: This is your first slash?
Date: 2005-06-16 04:26 pm (UTC)Well thanks mate - man, that one took bloody ages! I shudder to think about it now, I think I was stressing about writing the sex.
I'm very glad the need and the desperation and the ache came across, that was what it was about really, more than the sex (Isn't Tony a good mate to provide relief like that? Aww bless... :D) - and now I'm going to go read all my other fics and stress about whether they sound like chicks with dicks....cos *eeek* that hadn't occured to me before....
*runs off*
*runs back to say* OMG Harry Potter, Remus/Sirius!!! *Loves*
you know Remus/Sirius?
Date: 2005-06-16 04:34 pm (UTC)It's nice to meet a fellow Brit online - really.
Nah, you don't write chicks with dicks at all. I think your slash has got to be up there with the best slash that I've read - in terms of the emotion and the desperate need and shaggilicous action :D. You tend to be a bit impatient with everything else in your prose in your haste to get to the sex, but hey... you know what you want, yeah?
;)
Right, should browse through your memories now, and think about getting the 24 series on DVD. You and
*tsk*
I just can't be getting into another fandom right now, I just can't.
Re: you know Remus/Sirius?
Date: 2005-06-16 04:53 pm (UTC)I've actually read very little HP fanfic, but I have come across some thats bloody good. I might look for some more after reading HBP (SQUEEE!), but the sheer volume of HP fics always puts me off. There's so much crap out there as well! Maybe I'll make it a rule to only read recced fics or something. :)
DEFINITELY DEFINITELY DEFINITELY get 24 on DVD....lol, you won't regret it. And watch the two-hour S4 finale if you haven't already...Lord, the implied slash was to die for.... :D *weg*