fightingthecage: (WW - Jed Aboreal Stop)

Quite frankly, oh my God.

So much I planned to do today. So much not done. WHY CAN I NOT PREPARE FOR THINGS LIKE A NORMAL PERSON? It's only like, an interview that could send me to my dream Uni. The last hurdle before acceptance. Do I finsh all the books I wanted to so I could sound good? Did I fuck. No, no, I did some research on the internet, got distracted, wandered off into a mock interview in my head where everything went swimmingly and then played guitar for a bit.

What the fuck, self. Also, not packed. Laundry for baby not dried so I don't know what the hell she's going to wear while staying at mothers. Christmas Nativity to go to in the morning ('Christmas with the Aliens'. No, seriously.) so no time to catch up then. Driving down south all afternoon. Train at ungodly hour o clock on Wednesday when it'll be TOO DARK TO READ (I know from last year's experience, when I also left the prep until the last minute). And then practically straight into interview, no doubt.

What the fuck. What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck.

Proper meltdown is in progress. Fuck fuck fuck.

And when it comes down to it, I discovered this afternoon that I might be quite relieved if I don't get in. Is this genuine? Or just me setting myself up to fail already? WHAT THE FUCK, SELF?

OK. Breathing now. Will have calming fag and then start back into bloody Charles II. To think, last week I found him interesting. Right now? Couldn't give a fuck.

ETA@ I also know from last years experience that they didn't even go into detail about anything I'd read recently, just wanted to know what it was. So when it comes down to it, any prep is most likely pointless anyway. BUT STILL. I feel I should know more.
fightingthecage: (Books)

For fuck's sake.

For the last three days (not including today) I have been thinking of posting this massive post of great emo because frankly, I've felt like shit. It can all really be summed up in; no Christmas spirit -> spending Christmas alone (apart from Evie, obv) again -> feeling like crap (ill again? Check) -> mother doing my head in -> having zero money to buy Evie a decent present, or Steve one at all -> no social life for the last two years = me being a big pile of emo. And I said to myself, if you're going to do an emo post, do it before you get rejected by Oxford otherwise then everyone will think your mood was just sparked by that etc. This is how deep in emo I was, planning the best way to be properly and genuinely emo.

AND THEN! I was denied this brilliant pity-party* I had planned by...a letter from Oxford yesterday saying, basically, 'thanks but no thanks.' And since then - I've fucking been in a great mood and I'm not even kidding. It seems the terrible mood of this week was caused by the waiting and now I know, I can chill and get my festive spirit back (I had been missing it). Obviously it's disappointing from an academic point of view and I'm not ashamed to admit that it would have been nice to have been able to tell people that I went to Oxford - but from the point of view of having a life, I'm really relieved. All I can think is that now I wont have to travel 500 miles a week and see my mother every single week and do massive essays every week and omg, I might actually be able to have a bit of a social life. That feels good to me at the moment.

I don't think the relief will last. I'm pretty sure I'll start to get upset about it at some point - possibly when UCAS confirms the rejection in February or when I actually start at Lancaster or most probably at some random moment when I'm least expecting it. But for now, I'm going to enjoy feeling relaxed again for the first time since October and go Chrimbo shopping tomorrow (mother lent me some money) and wrap some Christmas presents and make mince pies (I HAVE THE WHOLE WEEK OFF WORK YAY!).

But I'm telling you, that emo post would have been good. ;)

* I hatehatehate this phrase with an unholy passion but it's so apt in this case
fightingthecage: (Books)

'K, I promised to shut up about the damn interview after it was done, so I will. After I bang on about it a bit more here. And then that really is it because thinking about it just makes the notion of waiting ten days for a response even worse.

It wasn't too bad. It wasn't great either (I just wrote in more detail than this but my fucking mouse, or whatever it is, just deleted everything ARG) and I'm left clueless as to what the outcome might be. Everyone else I spoke to said exactly the same thing (except for the girl who was a COMPLETE TWAT and happens to be trying for the same course as me and I will end up sporking her, or worse, if we both end up there together because NO, I DONT WANT TO HEAR YOU CONDESEND TO NON-BRITISH PEOPLE YOU TWAT AND IF YOU TRY IT ON ME AGAIN I WILL END YOU) and no one appeared really confident. No one said they thought they'd done terribly either and I think that was a mark of how good the interviewers were, they were dead good at prompting you along if nerves threatened to dry you out.

Fuck it, I don't know. I wanted to come out of there knowing I'd done everything I could to give myself a chance and I really wanted to be able to say 'I couldn't have done better, if I don't get in now then I never would anyway'...I can't say that. I could have done better. If I could take another stab at it, I'd be 100% better. But that's the same for everyone I'm sure. I can honestly say that I have no frickin' idea what the letter is going to say when it lands on my doorstep around Christmas. I told myself earlier that I was going to be Zen and not think about it and 'what's done is done' etc and hey, it even worked! For all of ten minutes.

Away from interviews, the college is lush. It's the newest of Oxford's colleges - and is for mature students only - which disappointed me when I first read it, until I realised that that still meant it was founded in 1786. So...not that new then, really. And it looks like Hogwarts. In fact, one of the students said that he thought (doesn't know if its true) that the Principle had been asked if they could film in the Hall there, but he said no. The Hall is almost exactly like the movie Hogwarts one. Smaller though, and only three long dining tables. But everyone eats all together and the food is lush and plates get taken away for you and it's like being in a really old hotel or boarding school or something. The floors are all stone and the passageways are like in old churches. Heaven!

Anyway. Blah blah. There were five people being interviewed for my course. They could take all of us. They could take none of us! Or any number in between. No way of knowing, no way of predicting. The only thing we know for sure is that we'll find out by Christmas. So around that time, there will either be a very depressed post from me, or an incoherent one. Until then, that's it! No more blathering. :)


Dec. 10th, 2008 11:09 am
fightingthecage: (Books)

Oxford is lush.

Interviews went...I dont know. The one with the Principle seemed to go very well. The academic one (the important one) went....argh, I dont know! I misinterpreted the stuff I had to read beforehand but pulled it back, I think. Sometimes it seemed to be fine, sometimes not fine at all. I have no idea whether it was good enough or not, and so, will be steeling myself for failure. Ugh.

Am in rubbish internet cafe. No wireless at college! What's that about?
fightingthecage: (*sigh*)

I am actually ill again. Can't believe it. It's not too bad though and perhaps I will score points for not letting it stop me trying to do a good interview? Bleurgh. Worst timing ever. Whatever though, it'll be all good. Might actually help me by taking my mind off being nervous about it all. So, fine.

OK, things to do. Adrenaline will see me through, I know it. SO EXCITED! :D!

(And I promise I'll shut up about interviews in approx. three days. Promise.)
fightingthecage: (Books)

No no no no no, throat. You are not allowed to get sore a) again, and b) this week. Ugh. If this gets bad I swear I will kill it dead.

I had so much shit to do this evening. Mostly cleaning up because my lettings agent is coming around tomorrow to check I haven't been trashing the place in the three months since I've been here (which I find offensive, given the absolute state of this place when I moved in). Anyway. I have not cleaned. Or started packing for the drive down to my mother's tomorrow. Or sorted out what else I have to do tomorrow...actually, I can do that now.

- Haircut
- Get some new clothes for interview
- Pack my and Evie's stuff up
- Fill the car up with petrol
- Do household shit; empty bins/take recycling out/vacuum etc
- Go see Evie's Chrimbo play in the morning (awww!)

So. There is stuff. I really can't be arsed but it has to be done. Will go clean now and hope this scratchy throat gets lost because no.
fightingthecage: (Books)

Coursework - still not so much as even started. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE! My history teacher isn't really expecting me in next week - I said I'd try to get in to the lesson on Tuesday but I know I wont bother. This give me about ten days to do it so meh.

All my teachers have been fantastic, to be fair. They're all, 'Just prep for your interview, dont worry about anything else!' and I'm all 'SQUEEE!' There's not a massive amount of prep I can do but I can't seem to focus on any other work at the moment anyway, so it's nice that they're being so cool.

Btw, CAN WE SAY MASSIVELY NERVOUS?! Yes we can. But also completely excited. :D!

I need to sort my house out. There is laundry etc to do and I still need to put a few boxes away from when I moved in. Problem is, every time I get a free day where I could do all this stuff, I tend to just sit on my arse. That is a part of my personality I really can't stand. Also, I miss the gym liek whoa...and yet still can't motivate myself to get back into it. And right now, I don't care! I can't even think about Christmas. It's like nothing exists until next week is over with.

Man, I'd better not fuck this up. I keep telling myself that it wont be the end of the world if I don't get in and it really is true - nothing changes the fact that going to Lancaster Uni would be very convenient and it's got the highest mark possiblefor teaching History. It is a good University. But I can't deny that the disappointment if I fail to get into Oxford will be pretty crushing. Lifelong dream gone forever and all that. There is also the fact that I am awful at interviews. But! At the moment I have hope and am looking forward to it SO MUCH, I'm just going to enjoy it. :)

...I promise I will shut up about this by next weekend, mmkay? Mmmkay.
fightingthecage: (SPN - Fucking fuck)

+ Got offered a place at my second choice Uni, here in Lancaster, so I'll definitely get to study want I want next year, reagardless of whether I get offered a place at Oxford or not.

- Sitting the HAT (History Aptitude Test) for Oxford was a bit of a nightmare - when I first read the paper I saw the question that's based off your own knowledge and immediately blanked, so spent too long on the questions that weren't worth as many marks. Then got to the 'hard' question and realised it was actually really easy when I thought about it but I had to rush it due to lack of time. I didn't get to write enough on it, or the last question, because I'd spent too long on the first bits. So, in a nutshell, I don't think I did very well when I could have done loads better if I'd managed time a bit better.

+ The test is done, I can't change it and at least now I don't have to worry about it. The essay is also done - three hours before it had to be handed in to be marked - so all that shit is out of the way.

- Although the essay was pretty good, I think, I don't know if it counts towards their overall decision on whether I get an interview so...I don't know, I am all up in the air. I'll find out in about two weeks time, I guess. :/

+ I have a new boiler which gives me both heating and hot water. This feels like unimaginable luxury and I am far too hot right now as I'm compensating for having frozen my ass off for the last week.

- Evie is sick again. She had a cough which she gave to me and then I gave back to her. She hardly eats, threw up everywhere this morning, is waking up yelling for milk in the night and whinged literally all day today. Just would not shut up. Not her fault if she feels bad, I know, but Calpol did nothing, sleep did nothing and she wouldn't eat...totally at my wits end. I hope she feels better tomorrow.

+ The last two SPN episodes absolutely kicked ass, especially the Halloween one. Fuck yeah!

- I am unbelievably skint and may have to postpone my trip to see Ex-Housemate Jen again. She postponed the first time, I've postponed...twice? three times? since. And I really want to go but just don't know if it's possible.

- I found out yesterday that my old drum teacher died a year ago. Gutted. Absolutely gutted. He taught me for four years and was the most brilliant bloke. He got Motor Neurone Disease apparently - imagine being a drummer and getting that? Sucks. Really really really frickin' sucks.

+ Doing Milliways stuff again feels fantastic. :)

On balance, the week has felt bad more often than it has felt good. And the week before that, for that matter. On the other hand, the good stuff is pretty awesome and there are no words to describe the feeling of freedom that comes with not having to think about the HAT any more. All in all, hurrah!

In other news, what's the lowdown on the yuletide thing? I looked at it last year, or perhaps the year before, and was tempted but it looks really complicated to sign up for and I'm sure I'd bugger the rules up.


Nov. 6th, 2008 06:28 pm
fightingthecage: (Footy - Becks)

Exam: DONE.
Essay: DONE.


Also, I have a new boiler - HEATING AND HOT(ISH) WATER BABY, YEAH!

Right, I'm chilling out after I've done the washing up. SPN and the bar for me! YAAAAAAY!



Aug. 14th, 2008 11:19 am
fightingthecage: (Books)

So, when I said I'd decided not to apply for Oxford? That may have been a hasty decision. Exam results this morning? Straight A's and 100% for English. That's 100% in every single module. And History worked out at about 98%, which I can live with. So, my History teacher is telling me to go for it again and I think I just might have to.

In other news, still don't have the keys to my new house. This is actually good as the later I sign the tenancy agreement, the later the rent will be due next month. I'm just itching to get in there and start decorating. Also, it now looks like I'll have to start working on my personal statement for Uni and get it done in the next two weeks. So, allgood.

How's everyone else doin'?
fightingthecage: (Books)

My history teacher is actively pushing Oxford at me. It's quite scary as, y'know, this means I'll have to apply. She spent most of a revision class today talking to me about applying and when she'll set essays to do and telling me I can do coursework over the summer so it'll be ready to send to them and telling me to get next years prospectus etc etc etc ARGH! It is more scary because she has a memory like a sieve yet she remembered this and in her eyes right now, I can do no wrong. This is always bad for me as I get complacent and then never live up to expectation.

Well. Nothing I can do about it except try, I guess. More than half of me is hoping I don't get a place because it'll make life so much easier. It's all very well going, 'I can get a place and then not go if it's too difficult to organise around' but really, is there any way in the world I'd turn down a place at Oxford? No, there is not. So maybe I should give it my best shot and secretly hope I don't make it. Yeah. Sounds like a plan.

...oh, wait. Not so secret then. Ah well.

I skipped the gym today and just swam instead because of time and because I'm horribly knackered and figured it would be easier blah blah and NOW I JUST WANT TO SLEEP FOREVER! Perhaps I might actually get an early night tonight. Hmm.

Also, let me tke a brief moment to complain about the English mentality right here. It is May. Up until the end of April, there was snow. The last two days have been about 24 degrees (C) and totally glorious. What do I hear when I'm in the supermarket queue this morning?

Person A: Want a sweet?
Person B: No. It's too hot!
Person A: Oh yeah, I know. Far too hot.
Me: *inwardly sighs*

IT MAY BE THE ONLY SUN WE GET UNTIL SEPTEMBER OR SOMETHING YOU IDIOTS! STOP MOANING AND FUCKING ENJOY IT! And this comes from me who is useless with heat because I burn in about ten minutes flat. But these last two days have been fucking glorious and what do people do? Complain about it. *despairs*
fightingthecage: (Books)

Ha. So. I sometimes wish I weren't so...what's the word...optimistic? No, that's not it. Maybe 'hopeful' is better. Because its been in the back of my mind for a while that all Universities have to be equal opportunity these days. Even ones like...say, Oxford, for example. And damnit! They bloody are.

I've been telling myself since last June that my desire to go to Oxford is now impossible because you have to live on campus the first year and I can't do that with a kid. So I was going to go to Lancaster and have done with it - it's a top 20 Uni, I can see it from my flat so is obviously very convenient and most importantly, Evie will always be near her dad. So why oh why did I check the Oxford website today to see whether its possible to go there with a young child. Because I can. And now I'm going to have to bloody apply.

'Why?' you may ask me. 'If Lancaster is a good Uni and its convenient for the baby's dad and its right there, why bother going to some elitist place that is two hundred miles away and blahblahblahetc etc.' And I would answer with - it is routinely the #1 University in the country. It's world renowned. There is more prestige involved with being an Oxford graduate, even if there shouldn't be. But most importantly, because I want to know if I can.

Bah. Only thing to do is apply next October and sit the History aptitude test and sweat over the impossible personal statement and submit the essays and go through the interview process and see what happens. If I fail, at least I tried and Lancaster is a good back up. If I get in...huh. Well, I guess I'll deal with that if it happens. I keep reminding myself that Steve only sees Evie once a week anyway and I could totally bring her up to see him on weekends if I'm there. It's not impossible, if a little inconvenient. Who knows what might happen over the next eighteen months anyway? Got to try though, no two ways about it.

And for added 19, I grabbed the nearest book to me to get a random quote to use as a title for this entry and look what it says. 0_o.

In other academic-related news - I got a call from my college today. Apparantly my history teacher was expecting me back in class this week. This made me laugh because I thought I was supposed to be back in history classes in November. No matter though, they know now I'm coming back in just over a week (OMG CAN'T WAIT SQUEE!!1!) and Lyn (history teacher) is desperate to get me back. I must have been the only student to get A's last year, heh. But it's nice to know that she bothered to check up on me and wants me in her class enough to get someone to call and say that she hoped I was OK and asking how the baby was, etc. Bless her!

In non-academic news - Evie has learned to laugh! And I swear, its the cutest thing ever. She has also become aware that she has hands and they're fascinating to her - so now she's trying to reach for the dangling toys when she's in her chair and seems adorably confused when she manages to touch one and it rattles at her. Hee! :D!
fightingthecage: (Fence No)

Just spoke to the Admissions Officer at Christ Church which is, for Americans and other aliens, the college I applied to within Oxford. My plan was to feed them some BS about why my written work was late and could I still send it please. And an interesting fact was discovered.

They haven't been processing my application at all. Why is this? BECAUSE MY COLLEGE TUTOR SENT IT TO THEM LATE!!

Yes, I knew this. But everyone - including Housemate Jen, who knows about these things (I thought) - told me that the cutoff date wasn't absolute and they'd still accept them a few days late so it didn't occur to me to follow up on it. I tried explaining to the lady that I had submitted my UCAS form on time and it was my tutor who didn't forward it within the deadline, but it's apparently too late now as they've already invited people to interview.

I really hate my college right now. I mean, really hate them. And I'm not a person that hates, as a rule.

fightingthecage: (FS - Stand Alone)

I am the tool to end all tools. No, seriously.

All this time I've been banging on about doing that stupid Hamlet essay so I can send it off to Oxford? I check the paperwork today and find that no, actually, everything had to be in by the tenth.

This goes down as one of my all-time favourite fuck ups, for real. BLAH! So now...I'll wait and see, I guess. Keep going to college (I made it in for a whole lesson today, go me!), see whether all the others accept me. And when I have the grades, I'll...either take one of those places or wait a year and re-apply to Oxford next September.

I am stupid. No, really.


Oct. 13th, 2006 05:01 pm
fightingthecage: (Default)

So. I emailed my tutor, checking that everything was going OK with my UCAS application. She gaily informs me that she's in the process of writing my reference and so, it might be Monday before the Head of Faculty sends it off.

Right. OK, fine. Only, y'know, the deadline is Sunday and you very well know that as you've told me about it enough times.

If this fucks up because of them, I swear to God I'll go ballistic on that damn woman's ass.
fightingthecage: (B&W - Books)


For it is Wednesday and I have a car and a computer that works. The relief? Is a thing of beauty.

...and man, did the screen grow hugely or has livejournal etc just squashed everything up so that they take up less space on my screen or something? Bizarre.

I was up until 4am this morning, doing a history assignment. As a result, I slept through my alarm and missed my first two classes. *pulls face* And I have a long thing to do on Hamlet's soliloquies by tomorrow morning and its already after midnight and omg, I want to sleep. Um. This whole working in the evening thing is proving to be a royal pain in the ass. I will have to defer the homework.

...of course, this presents a whole new set of problems. If I don't give my teachers some decent written work soon, they can't write a reference for me for Oxford. Applications have to be in in two weeks, at the very outside.

...this is me so trying not to panic.

EDIT: OK, so its awesome to have the computer back. It now as 153 spare GB on it, which is of teh cool. As I suspected would happen, everything's been wiped. The only thing that I object to is that that appears to include Microsoft Word, Works and iTunes. I can re-download itunes easily enough...but, Word? I don't think I have discs for that. Wtf?


fightingthecage: (Default)

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