fightingthecage: (Angel Walking Alone)

I don't even really know what to say.

I re-read the beginning of my last post, where I said that Brian apparently, 'was not dead and sounded OK'. Only now I know that actually, he was dead. My mother called me Friday morning, having spoken to him on Thursday - he was having a heart attack right around the time we spoke.

Everything always happens when my mother goes away. My grandmother's stroke, 9/11, the death of Diana, my grandmother's death and now Brian's. I should've known it would happen this week, just because she wasn't there. (You may assume I'm kidding; I'm really not. Anything bad happens, she's away on holiday. Bizarre but true.)

So anyway. Brian was never my father. I never let him be and he never tried. I actively fought against it, in fact, and he used to hate it when I was a kid and used the 'You're not my father!' line on him. We often didn't get on very well. He could be unbearably childish and bitchy - he once measured the distance between my drum stool and my bed, to prove I never moved it and therefore, never practiced - we would fight at times and sometimes bad enough that he'd leave the house, declaring he'd come back whenever she (me) wasn't there. But he was always the person I'd ask if there was something practical that needed doing. He's lugged my stuff around more times than I can count, always getting nominated to help me move house - and I've done that a lot. In recent years, we've been mates, allies under siege from my mother. And Evie adored him, and he adored her. Right from the off, I had her call him Grandad Brian - I've never seen anyone so good with little kids in my life. I have no idea how I'm going to explain this to her; she talks about him every single day.

I can't help feeling that he didn't deserve to go this way. His daughter hasn't talked to him in years - since he broke up with his wife, nearly twenty five years ago. He didn't leave her to be with my mother - that was just the straw that broke the camel's back, I think, because his marriage had been ropey for years. But his daughter never forgave him. He didn't see his son for nearly ten years, I think, but they've been in regular contact since then. Brian's car was always breaking down and his boy's a mechanic and would see to it. But he didn't see him before he died. I hope it's because Harvey didn't expect him to die. I really hope that, and not that he just didn't care enough to make the effort. The only times I've ever seen Brian close to choking up is when he'd talk about his kids.

He always got on brilliantly with my sister. And I'm glad that she's been over this week and they got to see each other. There's that. I just can't stop thinking about how my mother knew he was ill, took him into hospital last Sunday, and then went off to Wales to see her sister. She tried talking to him a few times, it's true, and the nurses wouldn't/couldn't put her through to him - but she only got to speak to him once. No one was there and he died on his own. A massive heart attack on Friday morning, a couple of hours before Harvey was supposed to show up and talk to the doctor.

I've always felt he was a lonely sort of man. It's been years and years since he and my mother have been anything close to being in love. They just put up with each other out of convenience, and a shared circle of casual friends. But they were still together for twenty six years. He's been a presence in my life since I was five years old. I can't get my head around him not being here any more.

This isn't going to be a good week. Mother wasn't there when he died so someone, presumably Harvey, has taken the matter in hand. We don't know where his body is, or if there were any arrangements for a funeral in his will, or when or where it'll be if there were. There's a chance no one will be in touch with mother at all; she might not even get to say goodbye. He has family in Birmingham that she's met a few times, so hopefully they'll keep her in the loop when they find out. She's got in contact with some bereavement office, who might be able to find out where he is. Failing that, she'll just have to hope his son recognises there was a twenty-six year relationship there, and does the right thing.

I don't know what to think, or what to say.  No one should die alone. No one deserves that.
fightingthecage: (Angel Walking Alone)

It has been a hell of a day.

I should give some context. I stayed up all night on Wednesday, and then all day Thursday, writing an essay I had once again left until the last minute. And it should have been an easy one! It was just really interesting so I kept getting sidetracked and reading bits I really didn't need to. Anyway, I got it done and handed in and by that time, I had a sore throat which I just put down to smoking too much in the last 36 hours, and being knackered. No worries.

Warning: emo. Just trying to get distance. )


Right. Now I am going to RP to distance myself from it again. Painkillers have kicked in and I'm not going to think about it any more. I just wanted to write it out to try and get away from it.
fightingthecage: (Gene - LoM Team)

I want this. Or rather, something similar. I would have different words underneath, and the edges of a few pictures, a couple of other bits and bobs. It would be awesome. MUST. HAVE.
fightingthecage: (Gene - LoM Team)

Omfg, I nearly, nearly just signed myself up for the Life on Mars Big Bang. And then I was all...I have failed spectacularly with everything I meant to do over the Christmas holidays, plus Uni work, plus essays, plus I'm supposed to be working on a book, PLUS I'm going to a writing festival at the end of March and will be meeting with an agent/book doctor there for opinions on work that I have yet to finish - I do not need to add to it all with fandom.

...but it'll be fuuuuuun. *unashamed whinging*

I am trying to tell myself that OK yes, after next Tuesday I have five weeks until the next essay is due and drafts of the BB aren't due until end of May, with final submission in July which is after my exams etc. So it should be doable, in theory. And the minimum word limit is 12,500 which I could do in a day, if I put my mind to it.

But then, you know. Logic doesn't apply to these things, right? They always take about ten times longer than you think. Writers out there? Help? I know there are some of you who've done Big Bangs before. Are they a massive stress or loads of fun or what?

*sits on hands*

Must. Not. Sign. Up.

In other news, I am going to this on Tuesday. And I feel a bit bad about it because while Eastenders/Holby City/Casualty/Doctors might be the 'flagship' shows (the BBC's own description, which makes me, quite frankly, WTF heavily) of the BBC...I don't actually like any of them. And...don't even really want to write on any of them though would not, of course, pass up the chance if offered it. (Which I won't be unless I actually apply for it of course, which...I don't see myself doing.) Anyway, point is - I am looking forward to it muchly but also feel a bit bad now that I'm taking up the place of someone who might really want to write for one of those shows and now can't go. Mind you, they didn't say there was a number limit so heigh ho. And any information on how to break into the industry cannot be a bad thing.

Speaking of writing, I should probably stop narrating passages to myself in my head and then failing to put them on paper, yes? I need to fix the dilemma I have when it comes to this stuff; it's difficult to think properly sitting down, so I wander and come up with stuff I know will work and then...I sit down and it disappears, or becomes jumbled. The answer is clearly to dictate it onto machine but I am literally phobic about hearing my own voice on tape (HORRIFIC) so cannot contemplate the idea.

I need to stop rambling and crack on and do things, not least a bit more reading for this sodding essay I screwed up the deadline on. Y HALO THAR VIKINGS. At least the topic is suitably bloodthirsty.  And also, hello there LJ and Beloved Friendlist! It has been far too long. I hope you are all fabulous. :D

fightingthecage: (DC Bond - Suit and Gun)

I absolutely love it when real life turns out to be better than a spy novel. Who needs Spooks when there's a real life shadowy organisation attempting to buy the UK government?

This has seriously just made my day.

Also, hi flist! ILU.
fightingthecage: (WW - Leo or Gerald?)

...History, Politics and Creative Writing is a perfectly acceptable degree, right?

fightingthecage: (MR - Paris View)

Whoa, Dennis Hopper died. Wtf universe?
fightingthecage: (Gene - Basically God)

Oh my fucking God Gene Hunt, what are you?!
fightingthecage: (Gene - Basically God)

I say life update but really, there is very little new to report. Evie has turned from a little girl that behaves nicely into a fully-fledged independant Person who just happens to throw a screaming fit if she doesn't get what she wants - on one hand, this is a nightmare but on the other, I'm glad she has her own mind, obviously. She's a bit better than she was a month ago so that's good.

Babydaddy and work are of the same old same. Ditto: mother (halp halp, she's coming up next weekend). I am on the verge of quitting my job but need to find something part time and flexible to replace it before I go anywhere. Bleugh, boring. Moving on. *washes hands of*

Fandom is what's fun at the moment! M'ways obviously (always awesome) and my new one, Life on Mars/Ashes to Ashes. It's quite rare these days that I like a show enough to delve into the forums but there you go, it can't be helped in this case. I am quite disturbed by the strength of my attraction to a racist, sexist, homophobic, slightly overweight middle-aged man. But then, good guys are boring. I like Sam Tyler - hell, I even quite like Alex Drake these days - but I'm quite happy to watch their stories once and leave it at that. I compulsively rewatch only for Gene who I have decided is the person actually in control of the whole universe.

There is possibly not a single person on my flist who still watches this show so I'll shut up now.

I am so behind on 24 that I think I'll just d/l the eps and then marathon them at the end of the series. I was sad to discover the other day that this'll be the last but not at all surprised either. Movies though, yay! Hopefully that means Jack won't die at the end? Facebook totally spoiled me for the Renee thing though I have no idea how it comes about, so I'll look forward to catching up with that.

SPN - I still have last weeks ep to watch but I'll wait for tonight's now and watch them together. Am very excited about the ending of this season!

Fuck, I am so boring these days. SIX WEEKS UNTIL DOWNLOAD, BABY! That is going to be a weekend of such ridiculous excess, it'll fill all my non-boring desires for the rest of the year. I am determined to Make This So. Do not ask how, for I shall plead the fifth, but just trust that I'll be behaving exactly like a 31 year old mother shouldn't. :D!

OK, I need to go get my Gene-Genie fix. And then possibly start this fic that wrote itself in my head the other night. And reply to tags, hell yeah.
fightingthecage: (Gene - Basically God)

ARGH, Ashes to Ashes is killing me with awesome. I can hardly bear the suspense and want these last five eps to hurry the fuck up so I can find out the truth...and yet, I will cry when it's over and there's no more. Damnit, I hate liking shows this much. They always end.

Milliways will be the saviour, oh yes.


Apr. 9th, 2010 08:38 pm
fightingthecage: (SPN - Sam in Trouble)

I am very confused with the ending of last night's SPN. Like, so much so that I'm sitting here making a 'bzuh?' face at the screen. Though I suppose that could also be down to LJ's current fuckwittery re: working properly.

I don't even know )

In related news, a few days ago I saw a few minutes of a S1 ep that's showing over here at the moment and oh my God, I can't believe how skinny and young Sam was in it. I mean, I knew he bulked up a hell of a lot and grew his hair out etc but wow, when you watch some of S5 that day and then get faced with what he used to be, it's like two completely different people.

Also also also, wtf is up with LJ tonight?
fightingthecage: (Cookies)


I remembered that that particular kind of Hostess cake also came in other flavours that I didn't like as much. Blueberry (bleurgh) and Banana Nut. And Lo! Google did not fail me this time.

Hostess Raspberry Muffin Loaf!

I'm not crazy, right? These things do exist? Or did?

Possibly I am obsessing far too much about this. But it seemed weird that the entire internet - including Google - had not heard of them.
fightingthecage: (Cookies)

Obviously, I am doing this meme at my own pace. But I have an emergency and I need help. So! What tickles my fancy today is...HOSTESS CAKES!

See, when I was in L.A, I practically lived off these things. Raspberry Hostess cakes, to be exact. And my problem is that I can't seem to find any proof that they exist, or ever existed. AND I NEED SOME.

My mother is in New York at the moment and I want her to bring me some back but I don't know if they're sold on the East coast. Does anybody know what I'm talking about? They were about...six/eight inches long probably. Sponge cake with little globs of raspberry jam (or raspberry flavoured goop, anyway) dotted throughout and nice crunchy little cubes of sugar on top. They were available in every 7/11 I stopped at in California, gas stations, pharmacy's, wherever. £0.99, so very cheap and cheerful and probably filled with more preservatives and E numbers than you could fit on the ingredients tab. And now I can't seem to hear any talk of them, even among Hostess's discontinued lines.

Please, someone, tell me I didn't imagine them. I used to have them every day! It's driving me mental.
fightingthecage: (SPN - Dean Fuck Yeah!)

'Six degrees of Heaven Bacon.'


fightingthecage: (Default)

I have no idea who said it, but here it is.

'Great minds don't think alike.'

It's pretty self explanatory really. I like it because I agree with it and think the world would be a better place with a few million less sheep in it.

There, all caught up with meme. I have to ponder what to do for it tomorrow now. Hmmm.
fightingthecage: (Default)

What is it with this meme and impossibly hard questions? I don't get to read as much as I used to but I used to devour two or three books a week and so many of them are amazing.

Ugh. OK, I'm going to go with my favourite book by my favourite author - Reaper Man by Terry Pratchett. It was the first one of his that I read, when I was thirteen. I'd been intruiged because on a band tour of Germany that summer, one of the guys near me and was frequently laughing out loud. Someone asked him what he was laughing at and he said, 'Dod-a-foodle cock!' which is, as you'll know if you've read it, one of the utterences from a dyslexic cockerel. I knew I had to get it and I think I expected it to be like that all the way through - but it wasn't, it was better.

I remember it being quite difficult to get into for the first few pages and I wasn't sure if I'd finish it. And then, suddenly, I was completely hooked. I adored it and I must have read it about twenty times now. It's travelled around the world with me; quite obviously too, because my copy is falling apart these days. But I still love it and if I ever need a pick-me-up, I turn to it and it always makes me feel better.

Night Watch is another Pratchett favourite. The Belgariad and The Mallorean by David Eddings too - not because the writing is fantastic, because it isn't sometimes, but the world he's created and the storyline kept me living there for months while I devoured all ten and then the accompanying novels.

And an honourable mention to the one I am currently reading - Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel. I can't recommend this enough. It's a story based on the facts known about the life of Thomas Cromwell, one of Henry VIII's closest advisors and it brings that whole time period to the most amazing life. I .ove it and am deliberately reading it slowly so that it'll last ages.
fightingthecage: (AC/DC - Hell's Bells)


Hard. I don't watch much TV and I find it hard to be seriously excited over programs these days. Having said that, this fortnight sees the return of 24, SPN AND Burn Notice. My cup floweth over and I am a bit squee! about it, it has to be said.

I have to go with 24. I've watched it pretty religiously since it first started, Kiefer Sutherland is hot as hell and it's a program that it both exciting and topical. The stuff they've put Jack through is amazing to watch because Kiefer does such a great job of making Jack hard as nails and also an emotional wreck. I love the way they take everything away from him and make him keep going and the sheer pain of the man.

I haven't watched the first four eps of S8 yet. That's how I'm spending this evening (yay!) - I have seen a trailer though and it looks like they may have let him have some of his life back, so it'll be nice to see that. And how they screw it up for him again, hurrah!

Odds of Kim being put in peril/getting kidnapped again - pretty high, I would say. Either her or ickle Teri (AUGH!).


Also, The West Wing should be given an honourable mention. That's a show and a half and if you haven't watched it yet, what's the matter with you?
fightingthecage: (DC Bond - Bond)

American Beauty.

Why? Because it's stunning. Because Kevin Spacey is an utter legend. Because it makes me laugh and cry and the first time I saw it, I was speechless for about an hour. So was my flatmate, who I saw it with. We went home and talked about it for about three hours and still couldn't articulate all the ways it moved us.

I saw it sixteen times before it left the movie theatre. It kind of took over my life for a while. Absolutely amazing film.
fightingthecage: (Default)

I am going to do the thirty days of meme thing because I feel only able to communicate in meme form at the moment - which is better than not at all, isn't it? Yes? Or maybe not, I don't know.

I feel all over the place about a lot of things and have no words to write them down. In better news, I have started reading my flist again and am reminded all over again why I love LJ, and you lot.

Anyway, day 1. Why does it have to start with an actually impossible ask? My favourite song? I can't even begin to choose one but picking a top five or similar seems like cheating. So I'ma think about this one for a bit.

*half hour later*

No closer. I have looked at my '25 most played' on itunes and that's not much help either as I recently reinstalled it so the numbers aren't right. It does tell me that 21 out of the 25 played most are AC/DC tracks (big surprise there) so I will have to choose a song by them for no other reason than I listen to them 95% of the time.

Oh God, this is impossible. I suppose this meme is already showing that too much choice can be a bad thing. Also, that I am indecisive. And have too much music.

OK, we're going to go with...argh. OK. Um. We'll go with Whole Lotta Rosie. It's not my favourite song of all time and probably not even my favourite AC/DC track. But it embodies everything I love about rock music.

It's about a fan that Bon Scott shagged one time when they were on tour. She was big and heavy and wouldn't let him out of her room until she'd had her fill - which, by all accounts, took a while. For years, back in the day, it was voted the #1 hard rock/metal song ever written. And it's fun. The lyrics are typical of the band and it's so tongue in cheek, it's brilliant.

And, even by Angus's standards, the guitar fucking wails. You can't do anything but let it all hang out when you listen to this properly - crank it up, get the air guitars out and go for it.

There. Day 1. Impossible.


fightingthecage: (Default)

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